Evol

Where is my faith? Open thoughts

2008-10-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

No pointing fingers here these are my lessons open thoughts if you will.

How do we respond to those who do a wrong?
How did Joseph respond to his brothers?
How come Paul stood alone and how did he respond?
How did Steven respond to being stoned?
How did the father respond to the prodigal son?
How did Job respond to the havoc that was allowed in his life?

The fruits are what we are to judge and no where within the fruits of the spirit are anger, judgment or damnation of others.

As we argue have we remembered to feed the hungry?
What about clothing the naked?
What about housing the homeless?
Fathering the fatherless?
Spending time with the widows?
Spinning gold among the hopeless?
Accepting those who have yet to accept Jesus Christ?

Do we have faith in God that He will handle what needs to be handled and that we need only be set on Him and what is to the benefit of the Kingdom?

God is not a liar. He will not divide what he considers Holy like a marriage
God is not a foolish. He does not need you.
God did not do things part way. It is done.
God does not make us confused. People do as well as ourseleves He does not need us to explain things. God makes known what He wants when He wants for the benefit of the Kingdom.

We serve the Kingdom of God or we serve ourselves.
No man is above another and there is none special or elevated. There is Jesus Christ. There is the Holy Spirit. There is God.
God will not spare you for the sake of you martyrs are dying every day in horrific ways alone and ignored.

I am learning but not from man because God desires it. I have faith that what I do not understand I will if I need to for the benefit of the Kingdom of God.
I have faith that if anyone desires God, God is faithful all the time.

Where is our faith?
I will not follow the ones who may preach the truth.
I will not follow the ones who can heal, speak in tongues, have a gift of prophecy or any of the gifts in acts.

I will be careful not to curse those who go against me not even the ones who hate me or would torture me. I will forgive ask that they be forgiven and love them as I am loved.

If any man I don't care who he is causes a rift between peoples who all love God because that person what unfairly treated. Shame on them. If we have fair we would all go to hell.

As we judge go back to what God has said about going to hell. Revelation will answer that there are 2 direct go to hell cards. There is only one unforgivable sin and that can not be used when someone disagrees with you. God knows. God Reveals. God said we would be surprised.

God does not confuse, harm, cause indecisiveness, use others to finish what He has finished, charge money, put anyone in front of another, allow for self elevation or want His words bent, taking without full text or changed to promote what any man would say. God has saved all. Whatever words anyone might need He has already said. We need to put those fruits into practice and stop trying to find the devil and the wrong around every corner. Because as the world spins to it's end those things will only become more and then who and what have we spent or time looking at. Ourselves and evil. How can we be the salt then?

IT IS DONE

Other thoughts are welcome. Regardless agree or not I will always with God's strength alone offer you water for your thrist

Be loved you are and always will be

No snake oil here

2008-09-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

This is something amazing. Corry this involves you also or anyone with an immune related illness all I can say is wow, the first real testing possible cure for type 1 that may open the door for all others.

Interview: Type 1 Diabetes Cure Trial from David Edelman on Vimeo.

Be loved

:P

2008-08-23T11:02:00.001-07:00

Kc I think you might really like this one...
well Dorsey too, well maybe anyone

Hi pecheur

be loved

Ok one more

2008-08-23T10:22:00.001-07:00

hehe

you know your loved

:)

2008-08-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe you all saw these already....
I love them

Be loved you are

sad

2008-07-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am really gonna miss Tony Snow

Regarding Prophets

2008-05-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Not everyone on earth heard individual Prophets of old. Only God has that power for all to see and all to hear. So I am wondering since we are each different in making up the body of Christ could there not be Prophets that well may be within hearing range but that some of us do not have ears to hear?
I am asking from experience sometimes I have heard and understood a Prophet and sometimes in attempting to try to hear it has left me desolate, afraid and shrinking from God. In those cases I am not sure that, that would mean the Prophet is not true, could it not mean that the words are not mine to hear?
Are we not all in a different place on our narrow roads?

Just wondering and would love your thoughts.

Be loved you are. Love now tomorrow is not promised

Lenny Kravitz

2008-04-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have been a fan since his first album. I dig the way he plays guitar as well as the way he writes music. Since his first album when I heard Flowers for Zoe I guess God told me that this man would be His because I heard something in the music.
Fast forward a few years and I meant and know the people involved in telling him about Christ and helped him accept Christ.

Now he is showing us Christians our folly and the non believers or the open minded there folly.
Here are the lyrics from Bring it on form the love revolution lyrics

Bring It On lyrics

I'm gonna walk by faith
Gonna raise my sword
I'm gonna fight my battle
I'm gonna praise my Lord

It's getting heavy
But I'm ready
To take on this world and rock steady
So come on, bring it on

I'm gonna face my demons
Gonna tear them down
I'm gonna keep on moving
Gonna make my sound

It's getting heavy
But I'm ready
To take on this world and rock steady
So come on, bring it on

Bring it on
Oh bring it on
Bring it on
Oh bring it on

Bring it on
Oh bring it on
Bring it on
Oh bring it on...

Here is the thing I found surfing the web.
Christians are calling him a false Christian.
Non believers are saying he has "sold out"

He has nowhere to go

To the Christians I say how dare you forget where you came from and where the Blood of Christ has brought you.

To the non believers I say listen to the the first album and all the rest his evolution of change is clear and he is the same musician you praised and bought tickets to go see, shame on you that you can only accept what you "think" in your open mind.

Pray for Lenny Kravitz please. Not because there is anything wrong with him but because he is on a lonely road and that can be so much harder. To preach love while being purposefully isolated is one of the hardest things to do.

Be loved you are

Bible Parts

2008-03-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

These are parts I am trying to understand better. I bothers me some of the things I have seen that we "Christians" write and say about each other so I am reminding me and maybe you.

How many times are we like the passage below when we feel scared, angry, confused etc.?

Proverbs 6 16-18
16 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him:
17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,
18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil,
19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.

We often do not see eye to eye on many things but the passage below is clear or at least to me it is. But I could be wrong, in fact it may be likely I am as I am trying to understand better.

Proverbs 30 5-6
5 "Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
6 Do not add to his words, or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.

I know some like the passage below is in specific context but I am not sure that means it is not said for understanding in other ways

Jeremiah 8
8 " 'How can you say, "We are wise, for we have the law of the LORD," when actually the lying pen of the scribes has handled it falsely?

As I am posting these I am understanding that this may be for some but more this about the confusion that seems to be present among myself and many people I have spoken with. I or them may not know what to do so maybe I can remind myself and others what not to do.

Jeremiah 23 30-32
30 "Therefore," declares the LORD, "I am against the prophets who steal from one another words supposedly from me. 31 Yes," declares the LORD, "I am against the prophets who wag their own tongues and yet declare, 'The LORD declares.' 32 Indeed, I am against those who prophesy false dreams," declares the LORD. "They tell them and lead my people astray with their reckless lies, yet I did not send or appoint them. They do not benefit these people in the least," declares the LORD.

We all know this one below but do we really? do I? not as well as I thought

Matthew 7 1
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

I no longer will listen to anyone who claims to know when this will be because in saying they know they are saying that God is a liar and He is not. It only serves to cause confusion in me when people do this, that makes my vision blurry as well as makes me retreat from the Father.

Mark 13
32"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. 33Be on guard! Be alert[f]! You do not know when that time will come. 34It's like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

35"Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. 36If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. 37What I say to you, I say to everyone: 'Watch!' "

So I am going to study these hope God gives me better understanding but if He does not He is still God, still perfect, still my only hope.
He reminds me below

Romans 3 21-31
21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement,[i] through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

27Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? No, but on that of faith. 28For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law. 29Is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles too? Yes, of Gentiles too, 30since there is only one God, who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through that same faith. 31Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.

I don't know if any or what I posted means anything to anyone else but me. I felt compelled to post what I am trying to learn that's all.

Be loved you are. We should all act like it, me for sure cause I know better

Mental Hopscotch

2008-03-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

These things wreck my mind ...

I watch people on TV, movies, etc that are dead.
I know I can't be perfect but get frustrated when I am not.
I know what I should do and don't and the fact that Paul said it also gives me no peace about it.
It seems I will never understand the less then obvious importance of money.
How I can honestly appreciate life given but not take care of my health the way I should.
How I can so far forgive others of everything and thats some pretty bad stuff to forgive but I can not give myself the same.
Why anyone thinks Ben Stiller is funny.
How I can love my husband more when I could not nor can not think that is possible. In fact this would include every single person I know.
I am pretty sure my dogs have some deductive reasoning skills but thats not possible.
I really do think I still have time and the ability to be Lara Croft, learn to play the guitar better then anyone one else in the whole wide world, dance ballet again, become a motorcycle mechanic for Ducati, Drive again, compose music, learn animation, read all of Kings without cheating and going to the end, See every person I want to face to face and so on...

I am pretty sure this makes me nuts but everyone is being nice and not telling me so.

Tomorrow is not promised so love now, you are loved

Why I love my dear friend Eddie

2008-03-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

Not many Pastors would take the time but he does it and I know he pleases God

Blogs by Eddie Thompson

"A Simple Handshake
3/8/2008 10:58:19 AM
Sometimes, something as simple as a handshake can be taken for granted.
Last night, after service, I had an opportunity to minister to a young
lady who has had a very hard life. She hasn't had a day of peace in her
life. From a very early age, this world has been cruel to her. For so
many reasons, she lives in fear. Fear of people. Fear of failure. Fear
of everything. Due to the unique problems she faced as a child,
continuing into adolescence, she simply can't abide to be touched.
There are a hand full of people who she has come to trust enough to
allow physical contact. Literally, a hand full. It's not that she
doesn't love, or doesn't care, or doesn't desire affection from others.
Simply, she can't stand physical contact because of what she's been
through. Even entering the doors of my church was a huge risk for her
last night. Her eyes darted around, constantly in fear that someone
would perhaps come up to her and want to hug her and she would recoil,
leaving the impression that she was snobbish or standoffish. The
reality is, she simply can't abide contact. A church like ours is a
loving church where everybody hugs, shakes hands, and slaps backs, etc.
It was her biggest nightmare. Yet, she was drawn to come to our church.
Some people in our church have reached out to her, loved her, and cared
for her. It's made a difference. During my message, I was aware that
God was dealing with her. The Word was washing over her. After service
was over and everyone cleared out, she made her way back into the
sanctuary, where I was waiting for her. She sat with obvious distance
between us as her friend sat by her and comforted her. We talked. We
talked about the love of God. We talked about how valuable she is to
Him, and to me. We talked about how God accepts us just the way we are.
That He gives us hope for a better tomorrow. That all things are
possible to those who will just believe in Him. Off and on, she cried,
she smiled, she shook nervously, and she clasped her hands together.
God ministered to her. After our conversation, she assured me she'd be
back. She felt hope. She felt that maybe, just maybe, God could help
her, too. Then she did something that touched me deeply: She extended
her hand slowly and looked at me with a shrug. Taken aback, I slowly
reached out my hand, took hers into mine, and shook it: Just like I've
done to practically thousands of people in my life, never thinking
twice about it. For the first time in my life I saw the simple act of
human contact in an entirely different light. For the first time, I
actually "shook a person's hand." And I realized how much it meant to
her to be able to do that. As tears rolled down her cheek, all I could
think was "God is so good." "

http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewblog.asp?blogid=29523

Remember we never know who we are speaking with and our words or action may be the very thing that makes all the difference in the world.
Be loved you are

Elevators

2008-02-25T19:58:00.000-08:00

Zeke and I stayed in Lad Vegas last week. The first time we have ever been away together ever ever ever. Anyway everything was fine but I noticed and am wondering if this is common or just LV. Hardly anyone practiced elevator manners. I noticed people not waiting to enter the elevator until the passengers got off, nor were there many gentleman.
How does elevator manners fair in your part of the world? I am wondering if it was just LV or is it a dying practice of manners.

Be loved you are and love because you are loved

If I

2008-02-18T15:35:00.001-08:00

Do any one thing that any one person might consider proof of Christ in me but have not loved then what ever that may be is a lie.

It does not matter how well versed I am in the Bible, how much I pray, how well I understand God, how much God may speak to me, How right I am , How wrong I am, How I look, How smart I am, How dumb I am...............

If I do not love I have no part of God because God is love
God saves us from ourselves and tears apart what He wants. All powerful and all knowing. Jesus Christ will forever be the only one who struck a perfect balance between showing kindness and mercy and still making the consequences clear. No person other then Jesus Christ can have that perfect balance because they are not God. Often what you see is one who is all about hell and God's judgments and another who is all about God's grace and acceptance. This are not the images of God. The one sidedness is an image of man. Maybe everyone knows this already but I don't see how with some of the finger pointing going on.

Truth will never need to be defended or be justified. It will never need our help. If God is big enough to save one like me He is big enough to get done what He needs all we have to do is be willing to say yes to be taught by Him and keep ourselves out of the way.

I think

Be loved you are

The wisdom of life while dying

2007-12-27T10:38:00.000-08:00

...."I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"....

Jars of Clay Worlds Apart

New fun with Veggies

2007-12-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

My youngest sent this to me for a laugh its cool

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

I keep trying everyday, still fall short. So thankful for Grace

2007-12-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

Titus 3 2-5
2To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men.
3For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.
4But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,
5Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;

James 1 26-27
26If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.
27Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

James 2

14What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?
15If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food,
16And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?
17Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.

(yes I know Salvation is not earned)

James 3 10-13
10Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
11Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
12Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.
13Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.

James 4
11Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.

1 John 1 5-10
5This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
6If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth:
7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.
8If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

1 John 2 9-11
9He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now.
10He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him.
11But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.

1 John 3 11
11For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.

1 John 4 7-12

7Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
8He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.
9In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
10Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.
12No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.

I have to choose to love for I am human. But I can say in choosing to in comes easy because of the Grace of God. I may never really understand it but I don't have to.
Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

Father I pray this for us all

2007-10-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

Galatians 5:1-26

1It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

2Mark my words! I, Paul, tell you that if you let yourselves be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all. 3Again I declare to every man who lets himself be circumcised that he is obligated to obey the whole law. 4You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. 5But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. 6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

7You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? 8That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who calls you. 9"A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough." 10I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty, whoever he may be. 11Brothers, if I am still preaching circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been abolished. 12As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!

13You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature[a]; rather, serve one another in love. 14The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 15If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Sometimes it is just hard guys for me and everyone else.
Be Well and Be loved, Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

Beauty of simple

2007-10-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

Maybe you saw it, even if you did watch it again
It's this simple

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

In Her Room

2007-10-01T12:27:00.000-07:00

So people ask me why our baby (20) does not do things like others 20 somethings.
She spends much time alone and while a better balance will come I am sure for now it is the way it is. This is why

Terrachild: Ariadne by ~Ahnna on deviant ART

This is the most popular picture on her page but this is what God has given her.
She is trying to see where this talent might take her.
I am glad she does not do the things other 20 somethings do.
This is what she does.

Be loved you are

Smiles from my oldest

2007-07-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter sent this to me, you may have seen them already or not either way there funny.

13 Reasons to Smile
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.
4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for
Miss America?
5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
11. Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live
forever.
12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be
displayed outside?
13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since
it's in English, thank a soldier"

To my Son in Law Thank you :)

Be loved all you are

Proof of Evolution

2007-07-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

Four PlayStation 3 Game Consoles Stolen By GameStop Employees Posing as Thieves

Two employees, Tauryn Robert Hodge and Gerald Anthony Keys, both 19, from a GameStop store in Elk Grove, California stole 4 PlayStation 3’s posing as thieves. They then called the cops to report that masked gunmen had robbed their store. But the police smelled a rat and detained them on Tuesday on charges of suspected fraud, burglary and conspiracy.

PlayStation 3 Game Consoles Stolen By GameStop Employees

Officer Christopher Trim said “It was Hodge who initially called the Elk Grove police. There are things we are continuing to investigate. There may or may not be additional parties involved. We still haven’t recovered the merchandise. Our detectives were able to gather information that wasn’t consistent with a robbery. They felt there was more to the investigation than meets the eye.”

Hodge is facing an added charge of filing a bogus police report. Yesterday we had reported how two truckloads of Xbox 360’s were stolen. Seems like video games are rising to the top of the Most Stolen Goods List very steadily!

http://www.gameguru.in/sony-playstation-3/2006/25/4-playstation-3-game-consoles-stolen-by-gamestop-employees-posing-as-thieves/

Guess nothing else needs to be said on the matter :)
Be loved you are

Wheelchair or no Wheelchair

2007-06-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have a dilemma I can not take walks or stand for any amount of time. No one seems to know why. I can run, dance, exercise and move in any other way except standing or walking. I think this is a result of hurting the center of my back when my mom was alive and we were taking care of her she had ALS.

I have had x-rays and tested for everything but nothing shows up. I thought maybe this was a complication of diabetes's but it does not follow the normal way it would for a diabetic complication and it is not affected by my blood sugar.

It may be a complication of Cystic Fibrosis but if so there is not much that can be done.

I just never had back issues before I hurt it with mom. so that is my logic.

Anyway I can't walk more then 2 blocks give or take a few feet with hip pain starting. It will get worse until I stop and sit but the rub it once it gets to the pain it is just bad for a while regardless of what I do.

I can stand at the sink and wash dishes but only one sink full any more and it is the same as above.

Last night we had the 3 kids, our daughter and granddaughter and I did not want to cook so I thought we could walk up to norms and eat. Before we left I knew I was not gonna make it so I said lets walk to Woody's it is about half the distance and only a couple of blocks away. By the time we got to the signal about halfway my hips already were getting tight and the pain was on the way.

So here is my dilemma. If I get a wheelchair then I could walk until it hurts and then use it to go to places I like to walk to like the store and Target. I can't sit and get right back up like a walker would allow. But I am afraid if I get a wheelchair I will give up fighting to fix the issue and get comfortable or that I am just being a big baby when it could be much worse.

I miss stuff but I have been using missing stuff like walking to Target with my youngest to push me so I am unsure what to do so I guess I am asking what would you do?

Be loved you are

Happy Birthday!

2007-05-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Baby!

For 19 years you have made dad and I have more hope for the future.
For 19 years you have made me the proudest mom on the earth.
For 19 years you have made dad the proudest dad on the earth.
For 19 years you have challenged us to step outside the norm on how we parent.
For 19 years you have taken the backseat many times to those with much less and not complained.
For 19 years you made your grandmothers feel loved.
For 19 years you have created the most unique relationships with animals that no one else would believe.
For 19 years you have reminded us that "things" are not as important as "us"
For 19 years you have shared your creative mind with us often leaving us in awe.
For 19 years even through struggle you have remained steadfast in the morality that has been given to you.
For 19 years you have always been a bit lonely because of that morality you have always lived.
For 19 years you have confounded the conventional wisdom.
For 19 years you have not smiled enough but when you do it was worth the wait.
For 19 years you have been the force for me to try when illness took all my energy.
For 19 years you have pushed dad and I to be better at dad and mom.
For 19 years Dad and I have gone to bed knowing you would be ok.
For 19 years you have let us love you.
For 19 years you have loved us.

Now your 20 and i can not imagine what you will do next .
I love you, Dad loves you and God loves you. You love. Thank you

ended up here

2007-05-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

Kindness does not mean permissiveness

Honestly does not need to be used as a bat to a ball

Mercy is not weakness

Love is not unclear

Soft voice does not mean compliant

God's law's are not law's to shackle

Freedom is not choice

Grace is not a cover for deception

Children are not little adults

Priceless is without measure if you can it is not

Walking the way God wants can at times seems elusive

Money is the root of evil not because it is money but because the root will strangle your soul

God is the only yesterday, today and tomorrow. If He is not where you are at you are not where your suppose to be.
I am off to backtrack cause I must have taken a wrong turn.

Be loved you are

Christians in America

2007-04-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

I am not bashing I know the freedom we have and the charity we provide helps countless but I am asking my self some question. It started reading another blog sorry I can't remember which one I read so many.
Anyway would we.......
Walk for miles to hear the Bible read?
Go to church if we had to sit on the ground?
Go to church if there was no band/choir?
What about if the Pastor stuttered?
Would we smuggle in a Bible cause we wanted to study the words of God so much it risked our life and the life of our loved ones?

Declare our belief in Christ if we...
lost every monetary thing we had because of it?
knew every person we loved would shun us?
knew we would be stoned to death?
watched our children pulled from our arms to have all kinds of unthinkable things done to us in order to get us to forsake Christ?

Do we...
really love every creature God has created ?
really love God more then each other?
rejoice in God's laws?
want to be in heaven with God more then anything else?
give water to the thirsty even if the thirsty is our declared enemy?

I don't know why I ponder this but I do. I wonder if you do.

Be loved you are

Are we perfect?

2007-03-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

I have a icky tape that runs through my head 24/7 I am used to it so it is losing it's impact which is good. This tape reminds me how imperfect I am and how very different from God I am. I was listening to a song called perfect today and I realized this is how we as a collective who call ourselves Christians sound to the one who don't believe or worse yet believe and are in the worst situations we judge.

I know we can go round and round about how we deal with a brother in sin but I wonder is our default suppose to be love. Not the misuse of love that says everything is ok but the love that is willing to be honest, always kind and forgiving.

Do these lyrics sound like our soapboxes or is it just me?

Alanis Morissette Perfect

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

Act like your loved, you are

I am a pain in the arse

2007-02-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with Dorsey about this and I thought I might as well post it cause in a sick way I think blogs are really a place to put our thoughts and see what others think even if it means we may not like the other thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that I am like a snotty punky rebellious kid often in my relationship with God. I came to this conclusion because God is trying to help me with some things I do not like about myself and I know He does not like and I won't let Him.

I have no idea why I won't let Him although I think it has something to do with a thought that I know better or I can do it on my own, which logically I know not to be true but actions speak so much louder like nails on a chalkboard.

The hard truth is it is time for changing and I don't want to. So now I am going to bitch and it is going to sound awful but it's the truth. I am tried of adapting and changing, of considering Him and the things He has given me above whatever I want. guess we in the Christian world don't talk about this stuff or I am the only one but God knows it anyway so why not say it. Not to glorify it, say it cause it is a real struggle and I am left with no answer so I get to wallow in my own rebellion.

I know God is trying to take some things apart and I am mad so what do I do with that? I don't want what some do a lesser Cross to carry trust me I know many more are worse. I don't really want to be a pain in the arse but I am stuck.

Do I need a sabbatical or do I want one or do I not want one and He wants me to take one?
Do I need to assist more humans then already lean on me and us or send them all away?

I do need to give up a fight I can't even recognize which I think sucks. God knows that so I find it amazing even though I am so difficult that He would want to hang and wreck my comfy little world anyway. That is what real love does, I just don't feel like being wrecked. See I am such a pain in the arse snotty punky rebellious child. Who is loved like you without permission.

Blind these eyes who never tried
To lose temptation
I'm so scared, where's the hesitation?
You so easily proved that You could save a man
I am that man

CHORUS:
It's better off this way
To be deaf, dumb and lame
Than to be the way I am, I am
It's better off this way
Than be groping for the flame
Than to be the way I am, I am

Still this tongue for I am hung
By this wicked notion
Tame the beast, release
The noose I've woven
O, wasted tears dripping from my tongue
Well I'm hung, hung

CHORUS

Crooked path you never asked
You just left me there
And I deal with the aftermath
And you don't even care
O, crooked feet you nimbly meet the place of my fears

Jennifer Knapp

Zeke rocks

2007-02-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Zeke,

Maybe one day I will be a great wife to your being a great husband.
Hope springs eternal but if not then thanks for slumming it. :)

I Love You

Later does not always come

2007-01-28T12:08:00.000-08:00

CUT HERE by The Cure

"So we meet again!" and I offer my hand
All dry and English slow
And you look at me and I understand
Yeah it's a look I used to know
"Three long years... and your favourite man...
Is that any way to say hello?"
And you hold me... like you'll never let me go

"Oh c'mon and have a drink with me
Sit down and talk a while..."
"Oh I wish I could... and I will!
But now I just don't have the time..."
And over my shoulder as I walk away
I see you give that look goodbye...
I still see that look in your eye...

So dizzy Mr. Busy - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done
In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time - make it June
Until later... doesn't always come

It's so hard to think "It ends sometime
And this could be the last
I should really hear you sing again
And I should really watch you dance"
Because it's hard to think
"I'll never get another chance
To hold you... to hold you... "

But chilly Mr. Dilly - Too much rush to talk to Billy
All the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done
In a second - just hang on - all in good time - wont be long
Until later...

I should've stopped to think - I should've made the time
I could've had that drink - I could've talked a while
I would've done it right - I would've moved us on
But I didn't - now it's all too late
It's over... over
And you're gone..

I miss you I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss you I miss you so much

But how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..."
But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..."
Keep on making the same mistake
Keep on aching the same heartbreak
I wish "If only..."

But "If only...."
Is a wish too late...

Love now tomorrow is not promised

I did it!

2007-01-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

I did, and some think it's cool and some are going to say why in the (you know what) would you do that.

I don't know why some think its cool, I did not do it cause I thought it to be cool I did it cause it just seemed like me. To the ones who think it is very uncool ok it's not your bag but it is mine.

I did it cause it was my birthday gift to me on my 40th. So it's way late but at least I got it done right before the new year. I did it because some wired kind of thing happens when your 40 and at least for me it left me in two worlds, and I did not belong to either. Not belonging to either made me yearn to be more of who I am, how I see myself and how I want to be seen.

I did it because I wanted to remind myself I am alive, I am 3d, I am as creative as I allow myself to be, I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a women, I don't "fit" anywhere this world has to offer, I am a child of God and what I have done reminds me of that.

I did this because this next and last part of my life I want to be different but the same, I want to go deeper but not drown, I want more and I intend to be ok with that.

This what I did was very painful which means I am still breathing regardless of all the reasons I should not be.
This what I did is accepted by some whom the "church " does not accept, maybe I can be a type of church to them, well maybe not a church but a place they are accepted.
This what I did is not accepted by many as I am not but maybe it will produce a dialogue.

So this what I did is my declaration of some small sort. The last part of my life I declare will not be as the years before. I honestly intend to be more reckless and more of a risk taker in the matters of love then before.

Erik at ping said something via the phone and forgive I don't remember the words but I remember what they meant.
Dorsey at notmywill said something via the phone and again forgive me I don't remember the words but I remember what they meant.

So the cost is very, very high but I intend to love more.
My new nose piercing will remind me.

You are loved so just accept it

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T09:59:00.000-08:00

Have a wonderful Merry Christmas all.
Tell our Lord and Savior happy brithday .
Look around at the people who you love and love you and say thank you.
It's a beautiful day if you let it be.
So let it, and love

Its a girl and who are you?

2006-12-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

So my middle one married this guy who we did not know and who at first seemed difficult. Anyway my middle one the one who tried really hard to make every waking moment of my life full of worry is doing very well! The guy who I thought was difficult is really very nice and loving the best guy she could have picked to marry and nothing like the past guy's she has dated.
Fast forward a bit and Zeke and I have a granddaughter! Baylee!

Of course she is perfect she is my granddaughter what else would she be. But mom is blowing me away she is doing so good and I am thankful for it. She is a bit scared just like a new mom should be and she is really wanting to do her best. God bless her He has and I know He will keep doing so. People change she is the proof.

Now I wonder who you are?
Who would you be if, you could speak plainly without care of judgement about any subject?
Who are you all alone what goes through your mind?
Who are you when everything is falling down?
Who are you when everything is going wonderful?
Who are you when you need to love but you don't want to?

I don't expect anyone to answer but I have to ask cause I really want to know. I am the person who ask how you are and really wants to know and I am always starving to know more.
I am left with no answer for myself when wondering why we are so careful with each other. I don't understand cause I don't want to ... I hate grey its so full of pretenses.

My middle one in the middle of labor was pure and what I saw was beautiful no grey, no careful.

Tomorow is not promised to anyone so love now

Until later

2006-09-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say right now and don't know if I ever will so I am closing my blog doors but not locking them. To type speak just to do so is vanity and I am sure I have enough of that already.
I am not closing my comment doors to your blogs though. Be warned!

Take care and remember tomorrow is not promised to anyone, love now, you own nothing but your actions and those always paint the picture of who you are.

Missing Men

2006-07-31T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sadly in Qana many people died, specifically many women and children died along with a few older men despite being told they were going to get hit. Where are all the men? The young teenagers to lets say 40 or even healthy 50. They either joined with Hezbollah, or they left there families running in the other direction knowing the bombs were coming. Now if they joined Hezbollah, fine fight who you want believe what you want but I wonder did they tell there families to stay put so they could be "martyrs" and displayed to show all that is evil called Israel? Being a mom, there is no way in hell Zeke could convince me to allow my children to be bombed I don't care the cause. God would have to light a burning bush, no a house, no a 50 story building as well as talk loud and crystal clear and tell me Himself and even then I would struggle, but I would allow it.

Why is it not brought up that when most awful things happen like what happened in Qana that there are no men and that these poor people who were killed by bombs did not only not leave but where in the very place they knew would be targeted?

The protest will come, the news cameras will follow like thirsty sheep to a stream and it won't change a thing cause following man only leads to wants of whoever you happen to be following.

Do we do that as Christians? Who or what are are idols? In America we just kill ourselves slower, with our idols of money, work, pleasure, comfort and the quest for self. But we have it better cause we are sexless in our idol worship any man or women can follow them.

Today a bunch of people are not here they were here just a short time ago. Sorry from Israel is not gonna fix it and Hezbollah really does not care the "cause" is too great and now that cause only grows bigger because of there marks of death on there family members.

What marks do we put on our family? I am terrified at the thought.

I am thankful there is love that covers.

Jumping off the top

2006-07-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

How fun would it be, just think of it everything you have ever said that anyone besides you also heard now everyone knows. If that does not get you all happy then this might lets say things you were once wrong on and shouted from the mountains now everyone knows. Still if that does not get your motor running then maybe you would like everything you have ever written down to be public.

I know your thinking what great fun!

Well guess what we are all a whole bunch of hypocrites. There are people out there, believe it or not trying to do the best they can with there understanding and because we might think different or read a few "special" books does not mean it is are job to "enlighten" them.

As soon as any of us say that person is insane, or evil, or stupid, or lame blah blah blah simply cause they don't get it the way we get it we have become the person we are pointing our ugly fat fingers at.

I am not talking about the ones who are bent on doing harm there in a class all to there own. I am talking about the ones who might be like Lucado, Lewis, Dobson the list goes on. I don't have to like everything about a person to respect and show honor to them, and I do not have the right to judge them for what I disagree with. That's like saying to a doctor who saved through his/her efforts tons of sick poor and then thought a new medication or something was right used it and a few died gets lynched for the deaths and we forget about the legions behind them now healthy.

How short sided, mean, myopic, self elevating can we be and I use the word we cause I am guilty..but no more, Not in a minute or a year. This is the danger I think of with blogs and such... me, we , you, whoever and whatever can get on a high horse with our personal thoughts and what used to be thoughts we might tell a intimate friend are now for public view. The problem is a friend knows us and understands where we are coming from the public does not. Someone in John Q Public might think if we type it, it must be true, some may think if we type it must be a lie whatever, here is the rub. If we, I , you are going to make a person you disagree so small as to point out there mess up and build them around that then be prepared to have the same thing happen to you.

How would you really like it? to be perceived on things you may have been wrong about and have everything you might have done or said that was right thrown away so the people who disagree can make there point?...fun?..nope

Then of course I am left to wonder since I typed these words am I doing the very thing I don't want to do anymore and objecting to in others?...geez it seems like a round about sometimes.

Remember it takes nothing to love those who love you and little faith when everything is going your way, walk in another's shoes, starve for a 3d picture of the one you might not like and then love him or her cause everything else done outside it is all about you.

Be loved

A New Time

2006-06-20T23:48:00.000-07:00

Now that mom is gone I am left wondering with all that has gone on in the past couple of years if my youngest still sees me as she portrayed me a few years ago. I guess I am feeling somewhere that I don't get yet. This may be the first time in Zeke's and I marriage that we will have some real down time. My oldest is moving to Cherry point NC when our son in law comes back and while I will miss them and our grandson I am excited for them to start a independent life.
My middle one is off and married and surprise so far it's lasted, you would have to know her she trends to be boy fickle.
My youngest (the artist) seems like she is wanting to push her world of mom and dad and do her own thing, which makes me very happy cause I think she has some gifts to give all of us.

So how this all relates to you all is I have been reading many of you in the past few days and was thinking (don't worry I don't think enough to be dangerous) when this came to me cause something was bugging me mostly reading the responses Dorsey got

Matthew 5 3-12
³"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
¹⁰Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹²Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I am not one who puts up Bible verses because they can be used to push a personal point of views out of the totality of the Bible. What can I say though I felt compelled.

I would much rather be any of the above then right in my own point of view because frankly my point of view, my understanding, my whatever is all junk. It's not God's so it is nothing. I can try to tackle all the complicated issue's I want but all I have all I own is myself and my actions. So I wonder how would we treat each other if we expected we were wrong and if we got it right once in a while just give the credit to God and move on. I bet we would listen much better to each other.

Which threads me back to mom

After her stroke her voice was very hard to hear and people who "cared" did not take the time to listen cause they were right before the conversations ever took place. What a shame because they missed a women who spent her life trying to make everything ok and right for others finally find her voice. I knew things about mom that no one else did cause I gave her a place without judgement and let her off the hook of protecting me. She became free as a person can be in this human body we live in and she was very cool. So listen you can be all safe in being right and live on your lonely controlled hilltop or you can really share this life with other people all of whom God created and died for. In the end it is His to pull weeds not us, He does not need us to do His job cause He knows the heart of man.

Mom Goodbye and thank you for allowing me to see you uncovered and without the armor built of the pain of this world you were beautiful in every way.

Go love now tomorrow may or may not come for any of us

If your willing to pray

2006-06-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Then I wish to ask that you along with us ask our Father in heaven to either take Zeke's mom home or make her much better all of course within His perfect will. You see Zeke's mom would not want for anyone what she is going through. Very little out of 24 hours is she awake and she has lost the ability to move about at all on her own. Also she has times when understanding is not something she can grasp. God bless her she does not require huge levels of Morphine but I am praying that before that hellish cancer eating my body pain comes He will take her.

I believe God takes you home when no longer have anything left to do that benefits Him. If she does still have something to do that benefits the kingdom then so be it let her days be as God wishes them to be. But my gut is telling me she is here now because she is fighting worried about everyone else and a bit scared as we all would be. Forgive me if I am wrong I may be.

The practical reality is in the physical state she is in we can not take her home to Cali. So after almost 2 years of me mostly living in one state with our youngest and Zeke living in another , along with my limited health it is starting to become difficult to say the least about it as I don't want to appear complaining because that is not what it is about. It just is.

So I ask ..
Father in Christ name please take her home or make her better accepting your Will always, whatever it may be.

And if your inclined please pray also.

Thanks ahead of time

Your loved

Just let them be

2006-05-31T08:02:00.000-07:00

There are some very kind things one can do to help a person who has received a death sentence like in mom's case. One of the single best things you can do is change your expectations of that person from what you expect to none. We have them all of us do. I expect Zeke to always be courteous, kind and loving as well as he does me, but when something so life changing as a DXD (diagnosis) of 6 months enters the picture all bets are off as well as they should be.

Don't treat the person like there already dead and don't treat the person like you always have. Its hard but so needed. I watch my mom every day try to do things because she feels bad she can not like getting up out of bed when her legs just are to tired to move. She does this cause she thinks she has to, because that is what has been told to her. Not by anyone who is trying to be mean but by people who are scared of the reality of her illness. When mom wants to walk, feels like walking she does much better then when she thinks she has to. Giving someone a gift like mom of just getting to be whatever in there last weeks of life is priceless. She gets to be sad and not treated as if she is depressed. she gets to lay around and do nothing but I promise you since she got the news she is never laying around doing nothing. She gets to ask for stuff she might or might not be able to do for herself without being treated as if she is being selfish. Most important she gets to be treated like her mind is still intact even if she does not always have the words to answer a question or forgets why she called you in the first place.

Everyone around mom loves her but not everyone around mom is willing to let her be. God can heal her and God can take her home why must it be so hard for some to live in that place, in-between waiting for health or waiting for death? Why is in-between so hard for some to accept? Does waiting mean your not living? Why is silence so hated?

I don't need to psychoanalyze mom to know how she feels. I am sure she feels allot more then ever before and to both extremes. I don't need to give her a pill if she is scared would not anyone of us be? I don't need to push her to move if she does not want to does she not have the same freedom we all do? I don't need to make her stay in bed again why would anyone tell anyone else to do that? Mom is dying and I find it cruel anyone expects anything of her to make that anyone feel better about it. But even so I know it comes from a place of fear and loss, they are mourning for what they used to have and that's ok its just not ok to spill it all over mom.

Mom has made peace with herself and God whatever happens! What an absolute free and rocking place to be! I watched it happen in my mother who died of ALS and now I get the privilege of watching that same freedom be accepted in Zeke's mom it's an honor. The only time that is tainted is when I have to deal with people who can not get outside themselves enough to just care about her.

So if someone you know is likely to leave this world and they know it, change your perception of them and your expectations. Give them that, allow then to have real freedom to move as they want without consequence of your personal expectations of how it should be. I am not saying don't offer thoughts if something seems really out of whack I am saying let them be understanding that you have no idea really what you would do upon hearing the news.

Just let God do His thing and get out of His way. If you are a child of God then you are where you are suppose to be for His purpose not yours. Just accept it and don't be afraid to exists in-between waiting for a miracle and accepting your own mortality, cause when you don't you are making it awful hard for the person and thats just tragic.

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

My baby is 19

2006-05-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

Wow that kinda blows my mind cause I have never once felt tired of being a mother to this child.
I was going to post this in the morning but the reality is this is the first birthday of hers we have every been apart and I have been feeling much self pity today. Shame on me so Miss AJC let me tell you some beautiful things about you on your birthday before it ends.

It is perfect that your birthday lands on Mothers day because you are the delight of me and dad and would be to any parent. You seek God approval as well as ours and while that presents a struggle as an adult you never had to deal with as a child the fact that you try to stay the course is a gift you give since so many of your peers really could care less. For 19 years you have been the reason I want to be a better women and mother not because you asked but because you demand it with the high bar you set for yourself. Most people have no idea who you are although they think they do, you are often coined quiet, secretive, loner and like me a bit eccentric. But they don't see you talking to people that others have given up on, the open ridicule you are willing to take because you won't back down on what you think is right and the compassion you show for a certain nameless person who always lies but you forgive her anyway.
You accepted another older "sister" who had to work off all the lies she had been taught growing up sharing dad and I time with the whole world it seemed never complaining which is a gift because you daughter know how temporary this life it.

I want this year for you to be a year of letting yourself lighten up on yourself and have fun. Have a whole year of fun. Just find ways my lovely daughter to have fun and never ever one moment forget that you are a young women of our Heavenly Father, a Father you have honored and respected regardless of price on this earth. You are His gift to this world just who you are, you never enter a room unnoticed and you are never anything but humble.

Thank you AJC for allowing me to be your mom. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, dreams and your heart with me. Thank you for teaching me a thing or two. Thank you for honoring me and dad. Thank you for loving God because of that I will never worry we will have forever together.

All my love to you baby
Mom

40 is on its way.

2006-05-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

On Mothers day and very fitting I might add is Zeke and I's baby's 19th birthday. It is fitting because she is about the best and most challenging human being that ever walked on the earth. I would not trade a moment with her for even my last breath. More on that in an upcoming post.

Anyway 40 is marching my way in just a little over a month and I really don't know what to do with myself. In fact I was never suppose to make it to 40 so I did not make any plans, which means I am a little backwards. I think what is suppose to happen is your born and the world is a wonderment, as you grow you make your plans and stuff and as life goes you got a plan. Well I flipped it I think. I was so sick when I was little my world was hospital beds and a dying or dead peer group. So the world held little wonder for me it was simple some live some don't. It was not until I should have been preparing for my plans that I was caught off guard at being alive that I started the wonderment. Trust me it is not a good thing to have the power of being a young adult and a child like view of the world your like Peter pan!

Anyway life of course got in its knocks and here I am but I am finding the abyss between me and my peers getting bigger. I still get blown away at things others might call silly and maybe they are, once in while I get accused of being eccentric and me and the much younger women of my tribe consider Zeke to be an old man whom we adore.

So I am wondering what is wrong with me? 40 is looming and my only immediate desire is to go to a dive club and see some rockin band with Zeke and wonder all night how they are not signed, check into a hotel and the rest is none of your business. I also wonder when I get enough energy of course after I am done being sick from a DNA illness that brought others as of course I am getting older what career I want to start! All of this while taking care of a dying wonderful women. When do I get that wake up call that it will all end?, even though I know it so and I try to make sure I tell people how much they mean to me.

At some point when shoe shopping am I going to say "man I love those there so comfortable"? So it will descend and I will really want fruit cake? Will I actually at 40 start finishing all the projects I start cause the reality is in my immature mind somewhere I think If I finish everything Ill drop dead no real reason why I just do.

I am being honest I am starting to wonder if I have lost my mind and everyone is to kind to tell me. Before I came to take care of mom I got a lecture from my very kind Doc that went something like "your doing what! You can't do that, if you do that your gonna get so sick, you just can't do that!" He stopped short of forbidding me but came so close. My Diabetic educator asked me at my last appointment if "I was ready to take my illness serious" um ok.... I thought I test more then any diabetic I know! I want to learn to play the drums, and bass and guitar so I can do amazing things on them, I want to be a mechanic cause I kind of like it, I want to be president but only for a moment and I want to have a coffee shop with blended ice cream drink that do not included coffee with books to the ceiling and rockin bands in Jena LA.

I'm running out of time and I think as if time has no end. So am I running the risk if missing something so important?

I really want to know.

Be loved its the only thing you have that you also get on the other-side

Ode to Sharon from Ping Part 1

2006-04-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

My Name is Elusivo Guerriero and I fight for the Kingdom of Ascalon as well as other guilds who do not hold the kingdoms best interest in mind.

I come from a land far away known as the "Valley of Warriors" I have trained with the best. I also have done secondary training with Rangers, I do use some of those skills that add to my training as a warrior. However my secondary training has more to do with my pet Ice which I will proudly display shortly.

I have also studied in special skills that make my blows heavy, meeting my enemies and the enemies of Ascalon up with there fate of death.

Something is wrong though I can feel it more so then the normal problems with Charr and Murssatt I know because the cold wind has started to blow I need to find out what.

I grabbed my Hammer and Helm and went to speak with Westmaster.

"Elu (that's what I am called) have you come to fight along with my troops?"
"Not today Westmaster and having been here before you can handle the evil here pretty easy"
"A shame indeed Elu your a good fighter, so why have you come last I heard you were working on taking The Ring of Fire"

Dread filled me The Ring of Fire was a deadly place filled with evil and my days of fighting there have been long "Yes I am indeed fighting there but something has shifted and I have come to ask if you have any thoughts on the matter"
"you must be speaking of the cold wind, I have felt it also I think you must go see the Guild Registrar he may hold the information you are seeking the path is harsh though"
I gave him a smile "not for Ice "
Westmaster smiled "so true you shall have no problem"
"I hope to see you again Westmaster and next time with the news The Ring of Fire is free again"
Off I went to see the Guild Registrar

Along the way Ice and I meant up with a few left over forms of evil nothing I or Ice could not handle on our own. Ice is a wolf from early days of training with the rangers. He often must die in order to protect me but thankfully I took my ranger training serious as well as my sisters and I simply resurrect him with powers of nature. Ascalon used to be such a beautiful city a place for all to come.
Not any longer as you can see. The children stay behind walls no longer running playing warrior or picking flowers. When I have some moments I let Ice run with them out here he can handle any problem unlike the lands around The Ring of Fire. But there is no time for play today. We introduce the evil to death a walk on.

Finally I arrived in Lions Arch.

"Merkin may I approach?"
"Yes Elu please state your business"
"I have felt a cold wind Merkin and Westmaster thought you may know why"
Merkin was an old grumpy man who was hung up on tradition but he also was loyal so I put up with his grand sense of self.
"Maybe you do not know because it is not for you to know"
I almost wanted to clobber him on the head but held myself "As you say Merkin, then I will travel to War Camp and see what they say there...thank you..."
"No need to rush Elu I will tell you this, Your sister Horses know the way of the cold wind"

Now I was angry "Merkin you know I have no way to get in touch with Horses let alone play these games with you now tell me!" I put my hand on my hammer grip
"Now Elu you know there is no fighting with weapons inside the city wall"
"You have to leave sometime Merkin" I smiled
He put his hands up "You win you are looking for someone named Sharon but I am afraid you will have to pass that to your sister"
"Why? and who is this Sharon I have not heard of a Sharon of any class, oh please don't tell me she is a Necromancer you know I hate those things"
"I do not have that knowledge but I tell you this you have more pressing matters The Ring Of Fire has gained strength since your absence you must report there and leave this to Horses."

I exhaled long and hard the old man was right If I did not attend to The Ring of Fire all could be lost and so far all Sharon has been is a chase of a cold wind. "I will go but I ask you get word to Horses I will leave a letter at the weaponsmith can you do that Merkin?" I said again with my hand on my hammer grip
"Yes of course for a fee" He smiled his cheaser cat smile knowing I would pay, rolling my eyes I said "I will leave 500 gold with the weaponsmith when you have had the letter sent he will give it to you , I need you to send it because of your position it will arrive"
"It will be done "
I turned and left to gather some supplies before Ice and I set out for The Ring of Fire.

Lets talk about evil

2006-04-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

I have been here http://lovingrelationships.blogstream.com/ and here http://crushedleviathan.blogspot.com/ both have brought me to this post.

I wonder if any of you have seen the "curtain" pulled back if you will. I have and its not pretty, in fact its terrifying and the only thing you can do is call on the Lord. It is the only thing that enters your head as you realize how great the battles are that take place.

I can't help what things I have seen I did not choose it, I can see in hindsight why I saw but it is not the cartoon evil we often see portrayed. What makes it worse is its beautiful in its disguise and by the time you know different or shall I say by the time you smell the death of it its to late.

I used to think I was so evil that I was able to "see" evil because I was so close to it's core. However in 20/20 hindsight I realize what I have seen had little to do with my evilness but more about a few things.

1. A specific effort by evil to keep me from anything good. Not because I am all that great trust me anyone who knows me knows that self elevation is the least of my problems. The reality is evil has an vested interest in you if you are trying to be a person like Christ or at least trying to stay on the narrow path. You see if evil can target you and help you go stray then it has one less person to deal with.

2. Keep me self persecutory. This is a biggy because as long as I saw myself as evil then I was frozen at the baby step of accepting Christ and that's about it. I am still am that way I am sorry to say its my single biggest battle of my Christian life. To explain how much I will tell you this story. I did not get water baptized for over 20 years of my Christian faith not because I had trouble with baptism or anything like that in fact I longed to obey God in what I saw as a request. But I honesty without a doubt believed it would be such a ridiculous action by someone like me, so offended the Heavens would be that as soon as I was baptized the church would fall to the ground and everyone would drop dead and I would be left with the shame of my action of even attempting to be part of the baptized family. which leads to more...

3. Narcissism. When you think you are evil, when you think you are somehow different then any other that Christ died for because of some thought that you should had known better it is about you. Evil works very hard to keep everything about you. It does not matter how it is dressed up thinking of oneself as great or not, beautiful or ugly...whatever it is about you and for me about me not God.

There are other smaller reasons but I listed those because those are the primary battles of ones mind and that is where evil lives. If you lose money in the stock market the devil did not do it to you , you played with money in the world of men you lost that's it. What some people call evil just shows there lack of understanding. In a wacky way I am blessed for the hard, awful road I have walked on because I not only have seen what I have seen and lived the way I lived I can really love now as completely as a human being can. Not because I am great but because something in me through most of my solitary Christian life held hope in Christ. While I still fight my own demons I don't listen to them as much and I make a conscience effort to check myself and say "is this about me or God"

Why the post?

Sometimes with all our talk, me included find it so easy to find fault
Sometimes one more episode courtesy of my mom of Montel and Sylvia brown make me want to scream and the people looking or something, when any who has seen what I have knows anything like being able to "see" anything is not ones choice nor can be called upon its either about God or it is not.
Sometimes its good to admit you or in this case I suck and I am not very good at the whole chasing after God thing cause I just get lost on the road with all my junk.
Sometimes it frankly sucks be here knowing there is a there
Sometimes I get tired of seeing things I can not share, sensing evil not knowing where its gonna hit, knowing God want me to do more and I just refuse.

Maybe saying here will mean I can just accept it as is and get over it already

Maybe its just that I really want to love everyone cause its the only good thing I know and I am frustrated I can not becuase our lives as humans get in the way

Yep that's it

He died because of who He is...zero to do with any of us and who we are
Your loved by God and I'll keep trying to

Just for fun

2006-04-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

So I go to this other blog here.....http://rethink.blogspot.com/

I am attempting to come out of my self imposed exile and I don't really want to be serious so I did this and you should too cause its fun

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see you? Liar by Never The Nines...I think I should be worried now.

Will I have a happy life? Freak Out by Avril Lavigne.. hmmm might be good might be bad.

What do my friends really think of me? Buckledown by Face Value...ok so I guess they view me as out of control or I am valued by my face if that is the case I'm not worth much :)

What do people secretly think of me? Patchwork by Plank 63...guess I should comb my hair more often

How can I be happy? Crash by 12 Stones....must still be hanging on to stuff

What should I do with my life? Honeymoon by Bon Voyage.....woohoo I'm booking a hotel for life Zeke, you wanna come along? :).

What is some good advice for me? Kill Me , Heal Me by Skillet...ok I think I am ready but not sure

How will I be remembered? Sight Of Your Tears by Ben Arthur.......If you don't know this song you won't get it by I do

What is my signature dancing song? Liquid By Jars Of Clay..........Absolutely!

What do I think my current theme song is? Can't Wait by Hepcat......hmmmmm.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Signs by Five Man Electrical Band...does this mean I should get the tat I am thinking about?

What song will play at my funeral? Moving In Stereo by The Cars .......that would almost be perfect.

What type of men/women do you like? John Woo by Newsboys...hmmm I might need therapy

What is my day going to be like? Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand..........oh how I wish!

So do it and let me know you did it and go by think to cause its a good read

You are loved I promise

Go and buy Indie music

2006-02-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

Go here http://surfacinglove.blogspot.com/ and buy a CD.
Here is the deal it's 7 bucks shipping included and you might like it. If you don't fine then you give it to someone else and they might like it. Think about it this way you could be getting a gift for yourself that you may enjoy for years for 7 bucks.....
You could be getting a gift for someone else that they will enjoy for years for 7 bucks

In supporting indie music you poke at the labels thought that they know you want more Brittany and so forth...well do you? ...really?

Come on all you old punk rockers who tried to rage against the machine you can do it again, re-capture your youth stick it to the man!

:) serious buy it

Your loved deal with it

Let me add this to the above

Here http://pingetcetera.blogspot.com/ bug Matthew to make or sell his bands music
Here http://ninjanun.blogspot.com/ Ninjanun has a cd find out how to buy it bug her
Here http://www.fincity.net/fincity_home.html These guys are great buy there CD it is not your "normal" rock CD so taste vary

I could list hundreds no joke so check those out and don't make me get all punk rock speechy on the evils of the riaa, freedom to play, and why pay to play killed the radio star.

Ode to Missy

2006-02-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

The org poem before I changed it to Ode to Missy is here http://pastoradebbie.blogspot.com/ I don't want to get in trouble but this fit so well for her. If the author finds this objectionable please let me know and I will delete this asap. While your there red Debbie's blog it's cool.

Ode To Missy

I am often unreasonable,
Illogical, and self-centered;
I am Forgiven anyway.

If I am kind,
I accuse myself of selfishness, ulterior motives;
I'll be kind anyway.

If I am successful,
I will win some false friends and be my worse enemy;
I'll Succeed anyway.

If I am honest and frank,
People may cheat me or I may not like the view in the mirror;
I'll be honest and frank anyway.

I will spend years building,
I or someone could destroy overnight;
I will build anyway.

If I find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous or I may feel I don't deserve it;
I will happy anyway.

The good I do today,
People will often forget tomorrow or I will not recognize as much as my faults;
I will do good anyway.

I'll give the world the best I have,
And it may never be enough;
I'll give the world the best I got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
It is between me and God;
It never was between me and my judgments of myself anyway.

I think God has Big Tops

2006-02-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

I was reading Matt from Canada http://morethan42.blogspot.com/ his post about gas and laughs but you need to go there to read it for yourself.

I started to think of something I have thought about allot. We have to Crack God and all the Heavenly host up sometimes. Add your Big top thoughts in comments I would love to read them.

Could you just imagine a Heavenly town crier if you will

"Attention Attention today's events inside the various big tops include

In the Big Top to the East we have man running on wet grass, this has a 80% chance of slipping, don't worry no one gets hurt.

In the Big Top to the West we have man willing to put his or her tongue on dry ice, again no one gets hurt.

In the Big Top to the South we have man walking around his or her house in pitch black they know they could turn on the lights but they don't and as a added bonus they have kids who leave there toys out.

In the Big Top to the North we have a special on kids and baths since you all liked it so much last time, these kids are great just being them. The set up is mom and dad after they have gotten all ready to go out try not to get wet giving the kids a bath before bed, parents you got to love them.

In the Big Big Top you all are gonna love this we have Mrs Zeke again she will be walking all three dogs like she does so often. Oliver the pup is bigger now and the best part...are you ready for this ?.... Champ the big guy and Oliver are gonna run in different directions while the old man Gizmo is gonna freeze in place and folks she is doing all this on wet grass! Its gonna be great."

I just know all of Heaven for a good laugh watched me walk the dogs and every time the grass is wet Ill just assume I am entertaining Angels and my Father.

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

Glad some history does not repeat

2006-02-05T20:40:00.000-08:00

I got asked in an email about being a stripper it was a truth I posted in a comment. Yes I was one and no I did not meet Zeke that way. I stripped when I knew it was wrong, when I knew there was a God (I always knew) and I know its not popular to admit our wrong doings especially if we can't claim ignorance of God but I don't want to be all "safe and secure in the arms of a sinner" I would rather be safe and secure in the arms of God and he already knows all I have done.

So back to being a stripper. In the email I was asked how could I ever do that. I can tell you that most people who strip don't feel like they have a choice. It does not mean they or I did not it means from the perspective your in you are not seeing options. Also you have to be breed a little if you will and maybe sometimes Ill blog about that but not today, just that somewhere inside of you the option to strip has to be that an option and for some it would never be. I am not proud of it but I can say in time God will take everything and make it for His good use as he has done with me and Ill explain a bit about that in close.

I was in a place with zero support and had an infant to cloth and feed. I could have made money a more righteous way but as I said this was an option because of life experiences and I could lie to myself and rationalize the reasons for fake right reasons.

I can tell you from my experience one thing that would help prevent women, sisters and daughters from ever opting to do something like stripping is a dad. I know some of you would say our Father in Heaven is a perfect dad but the problem is without a male role model growing up that is healthy a women's view of the heavenly Father is also messed up. You Dad's out there are so very important. I can tell you I have yet to meet a stripper who has a healthy relationship with dad that does not mean they don't exists but I can only talk about my experiences.

There is a segment of women who strip that frankly only God Himself could ever change they have chosen evil and they delight in it there is nothing more to say about them its up to the Father.

The women who strip excluding the above see there role to males as sexual period. Many college girls start stripping for "extra cash" only to end up being a stripper full time. But in order to strip in the first place they needed to be able to view themselves incorrect but can use extra monay as an excuse they stay because the money is massive, getting gifts everyday is addictive, attention is always there if you want it and power is fun. There is no one telling you your bad, and church folk would not be seen anywhere near the strip places. They stay because even with less they would have stayed. If they thought someone cared it would be a different outcome.

Sadly I think you will see a huge increase in this as years come and go because our bar for what we are willing to accept is so low. Or we just gave up on fighting cause its to big or whatever we tell ourselves to be comfortable. I was blessed I had a sister who was unwilling to give up on me and because of that I was not willing to disrespect her. She found me 3000 miles away no recent contact in months and let me know either I was going to get out of it and come to her or she was gonna come get to me. I did not want my beautiful sister in a place that was so awful, deceptive and yes evil. So that ended my stripping career fast. When we get tired of praying and ignore God's pushing at us we may be giving up on a stripper somewhere. We, you or I make a difference overtime we choose to care whether we think so or not, whether we see the result or not. I am forever thankful my sister was willing to do whatever it took because I can tell you had I remained I would not be here typing. There are some very deadly people in that world and they all liked me and they are not the kind of people you want to like you.

Now how God turned this into something good is easy. Stripping gave creditability to those who feel they have no hope who have been cast as hopeless. I understand the sin and they know it. I understand it in all forms strippers, adulterers, gay, sex before marriage and so on with the exception of pedophiles and other criminal behavior. It was not just stripping that helped me understand but I don't feel like being that exposed so that's all you get. Understanding does not mean condoning it means however that I can and do provide a place these people can do and tell the truth because frankly as I have said before there is no hope without honesty and without hope there is nothing.

So I tired with this post to expand cause of more then one email, but I really wanted you all to know you have no idea sometimes who you are having coffee with and never give up even if it appears there is no place left to go, not the one practicing the sin and not the one God is pushing to care. Don't give up.

We are all loved, we choose to accept it and choose to love. If today was your last day of breath would you love any different? If so then do so now.

Blog Land is confused

2006-02-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

So I just realized the blog land is confused. In case you don't know which you might but not every comment or reply posted is showing up. I found messages by accident hitting the post instead of the page..so just wanted to tell you cause you may be missing something wonderful :)

Go be kind

Sisterhood of dumb

2006-02-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

This post is gonna appear bitchy and it is.

If I never here "its my body and I can do what I want with it" again I will jump for joy. I am not talking about the abortion debate, I am talking about a response I got from another women in a conversation in her reply to me. Now let me say this is a pretty women but she dresses like its a party at Hugh's everyday and then had the nerve to bitch to me about how Neanderthal men are!

Let me set this up. Normal body, teeny tiny t-shirt, tummy exposed, pants low enough to see hip bones and purposeful showing of thong in back with high heels as she is saying this to me cause some guys expressed themselves. SO let me see if I got this right dress provocative and the blame the men. I am so tired of it.

Brittany, Madonna and the next big thing really make me ashamed sometimes to be a women, and I am not a wallflower in dress I am the women who thinks cranberry leather pants are fine to wear to church despite the stares, but I don't need to wear them 2 sizes to small or with a shirt that is cut to my belly button! Come on ladies what happened to classy which I hate to inform you of this fact the men I know find that much more attractive then the other. You are like it or not perceived often by the way you look and if you put it out there, some men are gonna accept the invitation.

In and office environment I have seen skirts so short sitting down was impossible without revealing what is meant to be hidden and then male coworkers chastised for looking. I don't mean gawking I mean looking without much thought and then looking away embarrassed. Better still after the other women in the office chastised the men they all sat around like hens talking about the women with the short skirt. Please!

See I have to deal with the perception you create. Being a women I get enough invasion of my personal space as it is I don't need your help ladies. I want the men who may be small sighted not to think every women they see is a sex starved kitten just waiting for them. Could we just stop feeding the monster.

Since you say its your body then please stop sharing it with me. Guys my apologies for my sisters.

Zeke I am only wearing sweats from now on 8 sizes to big and I am shaving my head too

Ponder 101

2006-01-31T08:26:00.000-08:00

So I was walking down Broadway...oops wait that's a different story not for mass consumption :)

What I really meant to write is why do we wait until a funeral of someone before we tell how great they are?

How real can we be with God if we can't even be real with each other?

These are things I ponder.

To love cost a great deal nobody ever tells you that because rarely are people honest about what love is. Its uncomfortable on the easy side and downright lonely on the hardest of sides. I have told Zeke the hardest part of loving is when someone because they don't want to go that deep just rejects it and you are left with knowing what the person needs and having nowhere to put it. I wonder if God feels that way about us.

Love is a train wreck, no love is a speeding train with one of those huge bright lights on the front coming at you. No love is the lights in a surgery room that leave nothing undiscovered. It wrecks your life and then when you learn what you are able about it, it wrecks whoever your trying to love, because real love is pure and honest and cares very little of self. Its what you read on persecution.com when you read the stories of people imprisoned and tortured because of there belief in Jesus Christ. Those wonderful people who are willing to give up all they love for the sake of standing in the Glory of God's love. God could save them of course and some He does but others He does not and they lose there life only to gain there Souls.

We often wait until funerals to tell the people who knew the dead how great they are, I ponder this because I no longer understand it.

We often bitch to others about someone else because we don't want to risk confrontation or have enough respect for the person of subject to talk to them. Besides checking yourself in the matter there is no reason to do this either.

Love is intoxicating when it's shared and down right painful to the bone when it is rejected. I have never been so lonely and in emotional pain as when I either refused to love with all my reasons why, or have been rejected because of the exposure love would bring. I ponder many days and nights would I be able to stand like my claimed brothers and sisters in Christ as people bent on doing so much harm to me did so. I pray so, I hope so but the reality is I don't want to be put in that situation because self doubt runs deep.

Maybe one day I won't ponder anymore about this and other things, but if that means I stop trying to love in an honest way I hope I never do.

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

Calling all who care.....

2006-01-29T09:04:00.000-08:00

My son in law is now back in Iraq for his third time let me show you part of an email I got from him. I changed some names because this is a public forum

".............Well as you know by now I'm here again. I'm really grateful for all
your support as well as all the support from Zeke and Missy too. I can't
tell you how great of a feeling it is knowing that I'm leaving will all of
you backing me......"

He has been really torn not about what he is doing but about why people are calling him a baby killer and those things because he knows why he is there. I wanted to give him something to hold on too so this is part of what I wrote back

"......My wonderful son-in law you are willing to do the job so few want to do along with your brothers and sisters there with you, let me tell you something you can keep with you...and others if it helps.

It was clear to some that the Nazi's were exterminating people. Germany never attacked us on our soil Japan did. While "we" knew Jews and others were being killed because of politics we let many go to the gas chambers before doing anything. Because doing so would have caused a split in public opinion.

Vietnam never attacked us on out soil and the list can go on and on... My point is if you forget, your there to make sure history does not repeat. The kind of History you are preventing is this.

I know what Ketoacidosis feels like. Its when a diabetic has no insulin let me tell you
First you just feel off, and your stomach hurts but your body tells you something is wrong
Then your muscles all start to hurt as your body breaks down the muscle and fat for fuel
Then your brain starts to tell you , your are going to die and there is nothing you can do
Your breathing increases to a pant your body trying to get the ketones out that have now filled your lungs and you start to shiver and sweat while being in pain all over the whole body.
Then if you don't pass out by now, you start throwing up and convulsing
If your still conscience you feel your kidneys shut down and the ketones now go through your body like nail polish remover to nail polish. The acid courses through your organs painfully until death if no help is there.

Saddam for his benefit would not allow the children with diabetes in the hospitals there insulin and let it rot, the insulin we supplied. All of those kids suffered the above until death and then he would order the docs to parade them in front of camera's declaring "this is what the sanction's have done to Iraq" while the world looked at dead bodies of children........"

I don't really care about the politics of this war. I don't care about talking heads in front of podiums. I care about graves filled with bodies, children being denied medicine and history not being played over. So my point, I am asking all of you who might read this to record a support message, not in support of the war but in support of a person like my son in law who has left his wife, his baby son, the family who loves him to make sure what he has seen with his eyes never lands on the soil his family lives on.
If you can't record it then send me a number Ill call you and record it. It is something I have been doing for years and I put them in my radio show. Again it is not about either side of politics its about letting them know that they are loved and supported. It is hard for my son in law to be called names and for our daughter to be told not to go out alone for safety reasons. Speak as freely as you would like but don't let them feel abandoned and don't make it about the politics.

If you are willing post here and tell me ill make sure you get my email to send the message or ill contact you via phone to record one. It means the world to them.
Thanks ahead of time.

Lord protect them and Lord let any kind words sent comfort them
Peace

Your Blogger Degree

2006-01-24T16:41:00.000-08:00

Here is my Blogger Degree!
Now go get yours
Show mercy in everything you do

The University of Blogging

Presents to
Mrs Zeke

An Honorary
Bachelor of
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Mind Loop 101

2006-01-19T15:02:00.000-08:00

So here is what is going round and round in my mostly empty head. I am really a big liar. There are few things that get me really mad but false prophets do in an instance. People who cause pain to children and old people tend to do it to. So I was washing the dishes, and thinking shame on us for not loving the (fill in the blank) and then it hit me.

If I was put in a room with false prophets and child predators would I be able to love them?

I honestly do not know the answer to that. I would like to think so because they are after all part of God's creation and it is God's desire none parish. But then I tried to imagine myself giving a hug to Benny Hinn and telling him he is loved and even in my minds eye I could not. What kind of liar does that make me? Is there anyone besides Jesus Christ who could love anyone else? I am not talking about ignoring wrongs and acting all happy for the sake of the elephant in the room. I am talking about loving even the worst among us so that one day if they ever do turn around they have a place to go.

What about you? Could you sit across from a child predator and tell them they have hope in Jesus knowing there crime? Could you give them some food from your table?
I am really shameful to admit I don't know if I could. I would like to say "sure whoever ask for water I will give it to them" but the reality is some things are so awful to me I don't know if I have that much self control. Then I think I could, I could give them water I could at least do that.

Enter the mind loop, that's what I call it.

So now I am thinking I am riding in a car and Missy is with me (Zeke and I's daughter) and also in the car is the worst child predator you could think of. God has told me earlier that day that Missy is going to heaven no ifs ands or but's and the bad guy in the back is not. We get in a wreck and I don't get hurt but I can only save one. God says it is His desire none should parish and Missy is going to heaven, but could I grab the bad guy in case his salvation is down the path of his life and leave Missy with the knowledge that she will go right into the loving arms of our Father? It seems impossible to me and of course I think Ill trade places with Missy and tell her to take the bad guy cause I figure my shot at heaven is better then his. But I can't, so there I am in the middle of an unknown road with an impossible choice. Walk away from the one I carried for 9 months who I love with everything in me and save the one I detest so he has a shot at the Kingdom of God.
I can try to justify leaving Missy, she won't have to suffer anything on this forsaken earth and God has said she will be with Him, but I have nothing other then the might of this other human.

I now wonder if I would give them a drink of water after all
and you?

Love now tomorrow may not come I am at least trying

So whats up with the radio podcast and whatever

2006-01-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

I have found a problem. It seems if I want to keep music sounding the way it should when I record my live radio show and convert it into mp3 I can not go below 128k. I could go mp3pro but I am not sure Ipod's and such have mp3pro.

So I am left with breaking up my converted mp3 into bits to download separate. Or not posting it at all. The issue with breaking it up is it kinda has a flow even if that is only known to me but a flow anyway. At 128k the file without breaking it up would be 132mb. At 96K 97.8mb but 96k is not good enough in my opinion. Quality of music sound is something I will never compromise.

Since I know the radio listeners come here to look for updates I am asking this. If the ones of you who did not get to listen to the last broadcast (80'S) because of transfer cap and want the show mp3'ed then how do you want it, split or whole? Please email me or one of the list managers to let me know.

Bloggers if you plan on downloading the music show then tell me you want a few smaller files or a larger file?

Also the troop support messages are going back into the broadcast so if anyone out in blogger land want to record one let me know. They do get sent directly to the ones that need to hear it.

and for the whatever

I am curious how many of you who might read this ever think you might want to write a book someday? I am not asking for outlines, rather since you use the medium of writing is it also an interest to write a book. If so what kind of book would you write?

I can't write a book I have more idea's then organized plans so until I grow up I just play in my head :)its "funer"

You are loved and don't be sheep!

So why is Zeke so great....

2006-01-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

So why is Zeke so great....
Cause he puts up with me.
Let me tell you some things about Zeke you all don't know and if you don't care then hit next blog or whatever it is you do when you don't care.

Zeke runs after God. He might get tired, over worked and have all kinds of things he would rather not have happen...happen and still even in low times of doubt never denies God and looks for Him everywhere.

Zeke loves me like Christ loves the church. He never gets mad I am to tired from illness to go to the store with him. He never tires of listening to my never ending mind loops even though he may not understand. He does not get mad when I am mad instead he ask me what is wrong and really wants to know. He tries and is a better man everyday

There is nothing Zeke will not do for his family. His daughters are fiercely protected, his wife is completely adored and his animals think he is the best chill human to hang with

He gives me access to him always, even in meetings he answers my phone call and if I said "I need to talk to you now" he would even if it meant his co workers might get upset. Thankfully I don't really do that.

When my mother was dying Zeke never complained about her being brought into our house. She woke us up many times a night to move her feet because ALS robbed her of that ability. Zeke made my mother feel so loved that at ALS meetings by the time she was done talking about her son-in-law people expected him to walk on water.

But let me tell you a story that will some up Zeke
We had just gotten married and we got married in 30's not 20's. I had lived on my own a long time and was used to doing things for myself my way. In the course of business I had heard about these 3 little girls who had been abandoned in Los Angeles. There mother had died and the father did not know what to do so he left them with the nuns at a catholic church.
So when I heard about them from a colleague I said "We will take them" it never occurred to me to talk to Zeke first. I do this just take people our house is like the good version of Hotel California no one leaves. All I could see was the pain these kids must have been going through and that they needed to stay together. I forgot about the whole married and should talk to your spouse thing...Anyway. I later found out that the state was going to place these babies in Watts and they were Asian and Watts was not Asian friendly so I felt another rush of urgency. I called the nun and before she could get a word out I said "Ill take them don't let them go to the foster home" and she said "who.." anyway so I got it worked out with her she was gonna talk to the social worker. The colleague who told me about them called me later and said "I think its a go your going to get the kids" I was happy
The Sister called again and explained that the next day we should be notified and everything would be set up I said wonderful and hung up the phone.
Then it hit me, it occurred to me I should talk to Zeke. Now understand at that time everything was set we were going to be adding 3 small children who needed allot of help to our house and it JUST occurred to me I should tell my husband. Yes this wife thing takes some practice.So I dialed the number and I was nervous. He had every right to be mad. He had every right to be ballistic mad. He picked up the phone and it went something like this
Me "Hi babe"
Zeke "Hey baby what's up?"
Me"Well I need to tell you something and don't get mad I should have told you sooner"
Zeke "tell me what?" Now I am scared cause I don't really know how to put it and I could tell by his voice he was getting nervous
Me" well you know so and so at work, he knows about"..and I filled him in on the abandoned kids without mention yet that I agreed to take them inZeke
" that's awful but why would I get mad..."
I cut him off and said "I told the nun we would take them and she told the social worker and they are going to be here if everything works out maybe as soon as next week"
There was a long pause on the phone. I didn't say anything and the pause stretched
Finally Zeke said "ok babe we will take them but please don't do something like this again without talking to me first"!!!
Can you believe it and what makes this the coolest thing ever is in one statement he showed compassion and he showed me he understood me. He knew I was not keeping anything from him out of secrecy or anything like that he knew I could not let these babies go to a place they were not wanted and he knew that.

Zeke was willing to give me the freedom of my passion for people to help them despite the fact it would cause more pressure on him and out household.
The children were not placed with us because LA county in all there wisdom would not transfer them to Orange County, but let me tell you the ones who have came into our house.
3 girls besides are daughter 2 are on the path of God and one is struggling
2 boys both are on God's path
2 boys in the neighborhood who look at Zeke and respect him and his household and do not come from a nice places 1 is on God's path and 1 is asking.
2 men in a very sinful lifestyle that for the first time are looking at there lives and God is bugging them about it.
In 5 years 9 people have come into our home because Zeke let it be and all 9 have been exposed to God in large part because of who Zeke is and almost all 9 are on God's path now. None except one came from intact families or happy places to grow up. I do not know another man who when we lost all source of income because of the 9-11 attacks that would continue to shelter, feed and love all of these.That is who Zeke is. He puts up with me and all the strays I can find. How amazing is that!

So when you read Zeke's blog you are reading a blog of someone who has done everything he can to keep on God's way. In 5 years he has lost a child, a grandson a mother in law his mother has had breast cancer. a stroke, and has lung cancer. His wife (me) has almost died and he has come to the realization that his wife could die from the common cold. He has had to watch his youngest be ridiculed by her peer group because she was trying to do things God's way and because of that be silent , quiet and in pain, he has had to watch his middle girl reject God and walk away only to come back and walk away only to come back. He has had to watch his oldest be blackmailed into adoption of a child we would with open arms take in, be verbaly abused by her bio family and almost lose her mind. He has had colleagues lie to him and lost everything because people who hate us attacked us. In all that Zeke has remained.

Zeke shoulders so very much and what I want to tell him is thank you so much. For pushing me to branch out and for being willing yourself (Zeke) to do so. Our grandson will be 1 soon and I already know he belongs to God it is where his heart will be. That is in part because of his dad and mom both whom you mentored. But it is also part because of you, are the man that young men tell me they want to be like. That is an honor dear husband an honor way above almost all others. When Zeke tells you all he loves you, he means it and you are getting a gift with value countless.

Thank you

What will be in my podcast

2006-01-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

For now it will be a recording of my live music show. I might have ones where I talk for a while but I tend to get bored with me so maybe not. So my commentary is what you would be stuck with for now.

A bit of history
I started a station on live365 a few years ago cause I got tired of hearing really great music not played on the FM dial. This got bigger then artist sent request to be played, people requesting music, people requesting show idea's on and on. I then started writing music reviews for an online music mag called 1340mag. I don't do that anymore because my life got so busy with personal matters I could not keep up. Same with the station it got bigger then I was ready for and soon I had other stations contacting me to ask to play show sections on there station. I just got overwhelmed.

Then live365 went the route that us old punk rockers hate..and brought the record labels in. That was fine they were giving us free music and such but the promotions changed and stations that played more label stuff got bumped up. That is my opinion only and could be wrong but it is what I saw. Further they started to have server issues that affected the live shows and stream. I paid the fee's but it was not working.

So I went pirate and I have a email list for my old listeners from live365 and they tune in. There are limited slots cause I can only upload to so many in a stream. These are mostly people who used to tune in. They refer some people that they know and we have to do a draw to see who gets to listen live. So I decided since so many have to miss it to podcast it. I will upload to a server that you if you want can download. It will be password protected but you can get the password from me using this addy
realmask316@yahoo.com. I will tell you here what is in a podcast so you don't waste your time.
Sometimes its music, sometimes there are artist interviews ...really it is open
I will find another host home for my station someday but for now it is how it is.

Go commit some act of intense kindness

Mensa a misunderstood bunch?

2006-01-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

We people like to be in bunches we do like carrots at the store. Bloggers are bunches, women have bunches, bunches for race, bunches for religion, bunches for sports, bunches for illness, bunches for men...oh wait no that's not right we can't do that men are not allowed bunches without first checking with the women of now just inn case they want to do what the men want to do which they don't they just don't want the men to do it.... anyway...Mensa is a bunch.

There really really smart and God bless each and everyone. But why the bunch, why do we need to be in bunches. Why does someone need a little card saying there in a bunch with other people just like them. Why in the world do you need a card saying that your in a bunch with smart people...is it cause no one would believe it otherwise? Don't get me wrong I am not bitter I really don't care if you want a bunch I just wonder why. And women, I'm a chic so why do I need to be in a group with you so I can talk about things we all already know? I am not dis'ing women's groups I am in one that is for talking open and honest to help with struggles and I will admit that it is easier with other females I don't have to be as careful. But we do not bitch about everyone else it more about fixing problems with us. I have no desire to be in a bunch with women who point at everything else as the problem. Do we need those to keep our eyes off us?

At Mensa meetings are they allowed to talk about problems or would they be seen as not "bright " enough to solve it so they stay silent? Are bloggers really being who they are or is a blog a place like so many others that you create your mask and stay in the lines?

I worry you see Zeke and I have wonderful daughters 2 of who succumbed to what they thought they were suppose to be. Our oldest (adopted) struggled in much pain to be in the "normal" bunch thank God she is just starting to grasp she does not have to be in a bunch.
Our middle (adopted) makes choices on other people's wants I hope the tides changing for her cause I love her but because of the lessons taught by bio parents she may or not ever be free.
Our youngest (the old fashion way) pushed against every "bunch" that is out there and you know what she gets for just trying to be real, she gets to be alone, misunderstood and has to fight for her own self worth because she does not have a bunch telling her she is ok. Is that what a bunch really is? Does Mensa say to its members "we love you because your smart" Does that mean that the ones who aren't smart feel rejected. Let me answer that ..NO

Frankly however there are some who do. So I am starting a new bunch. Its a bunch about just being whoever you are all the time! I mean it. Remember though that in anything real there will be other real bunches poking at you but that's ok cause nothing ever happens from a false place worth anything.
So if you a right wing card member of the malitia Jesus freak like me come on in
if your God hating can't stand Christians and wanna kill them all come on in Vampires welcome
Witches welcome
Pagans welcome
Women welcome
Jews welcome
Gay welcome
Straight welcome
Bi welcome
Musical Welcome
Men welcome
Be who you are..cause frankly I am so tired of myself

Love is a good thing..do it

Dorsey is my first!

2006-01-04T22:07:00.000-08:00

HA! I bet you thought something nasty didn't you. Shame shame shame.

Dorsey found me I was gonna hide for a while and just do my thing but I could not resist posting with my new powerful ability to do so cause I have a blog! I would make dorsey one of those cool blue dorsey's so you could go there but I can't cause I don't know how. Its ok don't tell me if you tell me I still won't know how so thanks anyway.

Dorsey just so you know the eyes kind of scare me however, what a great mind you have and I mean that, honest I do. So look it up with this addy http://notmywill.blogspot.com/ yes I can copy and paste, its true be scared.

Now dorsey or someone else who got her by mistake thinking I had something deep and smart to say may be reading this thinking "who else is reading this besides me and I got here by mistake" well my radio listeners from when I used to broadcast on live365. They are part of my secret world in which we now fly under the riaa radar, I know its risky pray for my safety, and internet DJ's unite we can take em! Wow I'm kinda dangerous maybe I need some eyes like dorsey.

On the very serious side and this is very important. I can't spell. I do my best to check and apply spell checkers but things are gonna get missed so I am laying down the law. If you get what I am saying and still feel the need to correct my spelling all except dorsey he is allowed then you have to be
1. an active English teacher or
2. on Prozac and spelling is part of your mental health getting better plan or
3. if you tried to let a word spelled wrong go your head would explode
I can except corrections from you but I want proof! If you are none of the above and your name is not dorsey then realize I really don't need to read your response because the fact that you got hung up on spelling before content means your argument is week.

Phew! I am glad that is out of the way I hate being mean, well I kinda like it but I won't admit it.

I am gonna start podcasting my live shows but you have to know Zeke or me or the list cause there is no way if I get a stop order from the riaa I am stopping. That will bring much pain to Zeke so spare him. I think I am the reason for his gray hair. Remember I'm not getting old just Zeke

Dorsey I have power I can reply...do you feel the dark chill come across blog land. I'll try to use the power for good.

Ok I am done cause I am on that mind loop thing and I could go on and on and on.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so love now!

Blogging all alone

2006-01-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Since yesterday I was thinking of all these creative things to do on the blog and podcast. BUT no more there is no point cause Steve and Josh at Stupid Church People won't read this or listen to what I might podcast.

There may be hope though cause ninjanun is back and since I brought up her name go buy her CD and if you don't then never complain about what is being offered on the FM dial.

Also Zeke at onefortruth has a nice picture section, in case words are hard for you.

So that's it thanks to SCP I no longer have anything of importance to say.

PS I have way to much fun in my own head.

Here I am and now what

2006-01-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

So here I am and I am here because of internet blackmail of sorts. I can't comment on some blogs cause I am not a blogger in fact I may not ever have anything to say at all ever.

I have alot to say but don't know if I want to say it.
If I said it would it matter?
If you read what I said would that mean it would be the same as having coffee together somewhere?
If I wrote what is honest would the reader be honest when reading it?

See I have so many questions and not so many answers, so why would I write?

Maybe and that is only a maybe I will write, share, express etc. Then of course I would worry would it be in vain, self elevation love of self?

I guess for now this is what you the reader has. It is not much but it's not a blank page.

You have value don't forget that