Its who we are, what we do and how we live. That is what Evol is

Monday, February 19, 2007

I am a pain in the arse

I was chatting with Dorsey about this and I thought I might as well post it cause in a sick way I think blogs are really a place to put our thoughts and see what others think even if it means we may not like the other thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that I am like a snotty punky rebellious kid often in my relationship with God. I came to this conclusion because God is trying to help me with some things I do not like about myself and I know He does not like and I won't let Him.

I have no idea why I won't let Him although I think it has something to do with a thought that I know better or I can do it on my own, which logically I know not to be true but actions speak so much louder like nails on a chalkboard.

The hard truth is it is time for changing and I don't want to. So now I am going to bitch and it is going to sound awful but it's the truth. I am tried of adapting and changing, of considering Him and the things He has given me above whatever I want. guess we in the Christian world don't talk about this stuff or I am the only one but God knows it anyway so why not say it. Not to glorify it, say it cause it is a real struggle and I am left with no answer so I get to wallow in my own rebellion.

I know God is trying to take some things apart and I am mad so what do I do with that? I don't want what some do a lesser Cross to carry trust me I know many more are worse. I don't really want to be a pain in the arse but I am stuck.

Do I need a sabbatical or do I want one or do I not want one and He wants me to take one?
Do I need to assist more humans then already lean on me and us or send them all away?

I do need to give up a fight I can't even recognize which I think sucks. God knows that so I find it amazing even though I am so difficult that He would want to hang and wreck my comfy little world anyway. That is what real love does, I just don't feel like being wrecked. See I am such a pain in the arse snotty punky rebellious child. Who is loved like you without permission.

Blind these eyes who never tried
To lose temptation
I'm so scared, where's the hesitation?
You so easily proved that You could save a man
I am that man

It's better off this way
To be deaf, dumb and lame
Than to be the way I am, I am
It's better off this way
Than be groping for the flame
Than to be the way I am, I am

Still this tongue for I am hung
By this wicked notion
Tame the beast, release
The noose I've woven
O, wasted tears dripping from my tongue
Well I'm hung, hung


Crooked path you never asked
You just left me there
And I deal with the aftermath
And you don't even care
O, crooked feet you nimbly meet the place of my fears

Jennifer Knapp

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Zeke rocks

Happy Valentines Zeke,

Maybe one day I will be a great wife to your being a great husband.
Hope springs eternal but if not then thanks for slumming it. :)

I Love You