Its who we are, what we do and how we live. That is what Evol is

Monday, February 19, 2007

I am a pain in the arse

I was chatting with Dorsey about this and I thought I might as well post it cause in a sick way I think blogs are really a place to put our thoughts and see what others think even if it means we may not like the other thoughts.

I have come to the conclusion that I am like a snotty punky rebellious kid often in my relationship with God. I came to this conclusion because God is trying to help me with some things I do not like about myself and I know He does not like and I won't let Him.

I have no idea why I won't let Him although I think it has something to do with a thought that I know better or I can do it on my own, which logically I know not to be true but actions speak so much louder like nails on a chalkboard.

The hard truth is it is time for changing and I don't want to. So now I am going to bitch and it is going to sound awful but it's the truth. I am tried of adapting and changing, of considering Him and the things He has given me above whatever I want. guess we in the Christian world don't talk about this stuff or I am the only one but God knows it anyway so why not say it. Not to glorify it, say it cause it is a real struggle and I am left with no answer so I get to wallow in my own rebellion.

I know God is trying to take some things apart and I am mad so what do I do with that? I don't want what some do a lesser Cross to carry trust me I know many more are worse. I don't really want to be a pain in the arse but I am stuck.

Do I need a sabbatical or do I want one or do I not want one and He wants me to take one?
Do I need to assist more humans then already lean on me and us or send them all away?

I do need to give up a fight I can't even recognize which I think sucks. God knows that so I find it amazing even though I am so difficult that He would want to hang and wreck my comfy little world anyway. That is what real love does, I just don't feel like being wrecked. See I am such a pain in the arse snotty punky rebellious child. Who is loved like you without permission.

Blind these eyes who never tried
To lose temptation
I'm so scared, where's the hesitation?
You so easily proved that You could save a man
I am that man

It's better off this way
To be deaf, dumb and lame
Than to be the way I am, I am
It's better off this way
Than be groping for the flame
Than to be the way I am, I am

Still this tongue for I am hung
By this wicked notion
Tame the beast, release
The noose I've woven
O, wasted tears dripping from my tongue
Well I'm hung, hung


Crooked path you never asked
You just left me there
And I deal with the aftermath
And you don't even care
O, crooked feet you nimbly meet the place of my fears

Jennifer Knapp


At 4:43 PM, Anonymous Erik said...

Me too.

At 5:35 PM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

great let's start a club we can sit around and try fiqure out what we are really snotty about.

We will be loved anyway which of course only gives a reason...and btw this is sort of your fault... chapter 3...about halfway down the half written chapter start page..halfway down the written part...about change or the lack of....

love you

At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Erik said...

Scandalous Freedom?

At 2:37 PM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

Discipline brother!
I can't spin my world to fast I might fall off. The thought of being free is way to much true happy kind of stuff for me when I am being snotty.

Is 2 a club or are we doomed or brave or insane and everyone is being nice not to point it out.

Being one of two is not so bad cause your the other one of two :)

At 8:29 AM, Blogger Corry said...

Make that three:-)

I too have a hard time with turning things over to Him, simply cause I don't want to. You know, I figured out for me it was pride. I know what's best and should be done and I can do it alone. But... pride already makes me a servant of the wrong master!! Imagine what happens when I act upon it.
And being the snotty spoiled brat only results in self-pity, which does not only hurt me, but others as well.

So, since I am loved by Him, I try hard to love Him, and as Him, and follow His lead. That always turned out to be best.

In my opinion, this club is neither doomed, brave nor insane, but realistic, open and honest! I guess God is having His way then, huh? :-D

Love ya!

God's Grace.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

3 woohoo :)
Corry in thinking about this since I can think of little else cause I know what I need to change but I won't for now cause I like my comfort.

This is somewhat ironic since I hate things not done for the sake of comfort and think it is a dirty word.

Which means I hate something in me. So this may mean I am back on the self hate cycle I was hoping I had given up but I guess not.

Which is so self focused it is gross . So it could be some warped pride in self loathing...

Man I'm great :/

Your right Corry God has His way :) you and Erik make it so...gotta keep up the self hate. If I don't I might be in danger of being prideful in self glory and that is worse as it would make all your business mine :P

Well I have little choice though cause I so love Him. So I will let Him peel and bug and so forth until I just give it up, even though I have no comfort in not knowing what I will become but I have some comfort in I do trust Him.

In reality I am just becoming undone and have a bad tude about it. I did not have the luxury if you will of being undone in the past few years so my tude is coming from this way of thinking. "I did what you asked, took care of who you told me and what I wanted was a place to rest a bit and what I have is a place that is asking me to love more then I know how. A place that is demanding I be more open more exposed. Where is my embrace?"

I know God is perfect and knows all of yesterday and everything of tomorrow. I believe He does not ask more then we can do. I know nothing of good can be done by me and that only through Him is that an option. I know this all and believe every single bit of it. I am just left in a place without my permission I this human me seems not willing to go. I don't want to because my comfort is the background I like moving under the radar. As I have been nudged in the past and refused to do anything in the spotlight and my fear if you will is He is trying to clean me up to move out from the background and I hate that. :(

Anyone know a nice whale I could live in the belly of?

btw the scribbles idea is very cool and your blessed as well as loved

At 5:33 AM, Blogger Corry said...

Girl, while reading your comment, several scriptures and thoughts popped up in my mind.

First of all, your self-hate reminds me a lot of my self-punishment. I feel guilty and instead of forgiving myself, I turn to self-punishment and self-hatred. I have to remind myself: If God forgives me, which He does, then why not forgive myself? Accept I am human, make mistakes, acknowledge that I have wants and needs and look for self-improvement in Him. Always makes me feel better, gives me hope, persistance and encouragement:-)

Second thing, the verse that crossed my mind:

Luke 12:48
For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required;

I know I may not always want it or feel like taking on something else, but as you said, God won't ask more of me then I can do. My comfort is in the knowledge He will give me what I need to do it. Providing...I let Him :-) I guess I expand my "comfort-zone" with that knowledge but it does mean I have to let go of my pride, self-punishment and/or self-hatred. Can't serve two masters!! :-)

Third, you said:"A place that is demanding I be more open more exposed. Where is my embrace?"
Can we call that impatience???
What you are really asking is: Where is my reward, my gratification?

Matthew 6:20
but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.

You are building them up in Heaven. You may not even see any in this life. So I guess it could be a matter of where you place your values? (sincere question!)

Fourth: I used to expect things to be perfect, me to be perfect, overnight. Well... it's no light-switch. Every day is another day of learning and discovering imperfections in myself. But instead of taking that as "bad", I am grateful to see them. That way I can do something about it. God has a reason for everything and He is a loving God. He doesn't show them to me to punish me (or have me punish or hate myself) but in order to give me a chance to change and to strive to be as perfect as I can be. So, let Him peel away at you. It's all done out of His great love for you. :-)

Ok, ok, you can step off the couch now, haha. Seriously, I hope it helps some. And I wouldn't tell you all this if I didn't love you. :-)

Thanks for the encouragement on Scribbles. I hope God will bless.

Have a wonderful Sunday, dear Sister. (((HUGS)))

God's Grace.

At 7:32 AM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

fine Corry be that way! :)

The acceptance of forgiveness has always been my weak spot. I accept it as the truth and for all men. I know I am included in that forgiveness but I have a wonderful mind that likes to tell me things like "you know if you really loved God you would blah blah blah blah"
I accept I am human then feel bad I dislike being human because God created us.

I have been given so much it blows my mind, so I know there is much to take care of. I was not talking reward as much as rest, an embrace of rest. I am not a very reward oriented person, it's not how I roll :)
Anyway I threw a tantrum cause I thought God should let me do whatever I wanted for a bit cause I was tired ...waaah! Guess my idea of tired and God's is different. We are talking mental tired. I am forever in the counsel chair and I lost my center somewhere so I have been trying to re-group and finding out that is not all that important to God either!

I so want a bunch of treasure stored up in Heaven but my ugly perfectionist side is a constant "that's not good enough" town crier.

You are very right in much you have said. I am at a point I just need say ok God do it get the focus off my self as I see it and where God wants it. A place I say "let your will be done and mean it" something that was so easy for me a few short months ago.

The good thing is I am trying and in a very public way. This is a massive step because I am not a person who ever shares ones struggles in public ever. I do share but in a 2 person conversation. Just trying to let some light in some dim places because what is nudging me is I have done things solo long enough. Solo is the core of my comfort.. I like solo
The pride of solo is thinking somewhere even if it is not obvious that you know, I know how to do it.

Which is about control...which is a whole other subject.

Thank you sister for taking the time. You have given me much to think of.
Be loved

PS there is a spring in the couch poking me could you fix that?

At 9:11 AM, Blogger Corry said...

*note:...suffers from "Princess and Pea-syndrome".*
Solution: GET OVER IT!! grin.

Sometimes I would love to have a break. It's like life comes at me 90 mph. I know it's my want! I also know I am not good at recognizing my needs and although my wants are not inline with my needs, I know God will give me what I need when I need it, to face what He has planned for me. And how do I know what His plan is?
I don't, but I look to see if someone has a need that I can help with. That is what I think God would like me to do then. Be a help and encouragement, even though I would like to take a break...cause He knows best. :-)

God's Grace.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

*note:...suffers from "Princess and Pea-syndrome".* me too!
Solution: GET OVER IT!! grin.

yeah yeah what you and Dorsey get together in a pow wow?
Maybe Erik will be more understanding and let me wallow in self hate.
As I said I am a pain in the arse :P

I'm getting it I got a tude big deal I am still made my nose ring came out :)

Yes He does and it's scary!

Love you sister

At 12:14 PM, Blogger pecheur said...

Thanks for the honesty. I need to hear that sometimes

At 12:16 PM, Blogger pecheur said...

I am sorry to that your nose ring came out. Get a tat. it won't come out or wash away!

At 6:27 AM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

Well the good thing pecheur is I think I am getting over myself :P

Zeke does not want me to get a tat. He would of course live with it if I did and would not stop me but I know it's not a thing he would like on his wife.
That would not make me a happy wife.

Be loved

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Zeke said...

Who says I don't want you to get a tatoo? Silly woman.


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