Its who we are, what we do and how we live. That is what Evol is

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Just let them be

There are some very kind things one can do to help a person who has received a death sentence like in mom's case. One of the single best things you can do is change your expectations of that person from what you expect to none. We have them all of us do. I expect Zeke to always be courteous, kind and loving as well as he does me, but when something so life changing as a DXD (diagnosis) of 6 months enters the picture all bets are off as well as they should be.

Don't treat the person like there already dead and don't treat the person like you always have. Its hard but so needed. I watch my mom every day try to do things because she feels bad she can not like getting up out of bed when her legs just are to tired to move. She does this cause she thinks she has to, because that is what has been told to her. Not by anyone who is trying to be mean but by people who are scared of the reality of her illness. When mom wants to walk, feels like walking she does much better then when she thinks she has to. Giving someone a gift like mom of just getting to be whatever in there last weeks of life is priceless. She gets to be sad and not treated as if she is depressed. she gets to lay around and do nothing but I promise you since she got the news she is never laying around doing nothing. She gets to ask for stuff she might or might not be able to do for herself without being treated as if she is being selfish. Most important she gets to be treated like her mind is still intact even if she does not always have the words to answer a question or forgets why she called you in the first place.

Everyone around mom loves her but not everyone around mom is willing to let her be. God can heal her and God can take her home why must it be so hard for some to live in that place, in-between waiting for health or waiting for death? Why is in-between so hard for some to accept? Does waiting mean your not living? Why is silence so hated?

I don't need to psychoanalyze mom to know how she feels. I am sure she feels allot more then ever before and to both extremes. I don't need to give her a pill if she is scared would not anyone of us be? I don't need to push her to move if she does not want to does she not have the same freedom we all do? I don't need to make her stay in bed again why would anyone tell anyone else to do that? Mom is dying and I find it cruel anyone expects anything of her to make that anyone feel better about it. But even so I know it comes from a place of fear and loss, they are mourning for what they used to have and that's ok its just not ok to spill it all over mom.

Mom has made peace with herself and God whatever happens! What an absolute free and rocking place to be! I watched it happen in my mother who died of ALS and now I get the privilege of watching that same freedom be accepted in Zeke's mom it's an honor. The only time that is tainted is when I have to deal with people who can not get outside themselves enough to just care about her.

So if someone you know is likely to leave this world and they know it, change your perception of them and your expectations. Give them that, allow then to have real freedom to move as they want without consequence of your personal expectations of how it should be. I am not saying don't offer thoughts if something seems really out of whack I am saying let them be understanding that you have no idea really what you would do upon hearing the news.

Just let God do His thing and get out of His way. If you are a child of God then you are where you are suppose to be for His purpose not yours. Just accept it and don't be afraid to exists in-between waiting for a miracle and accepting your own mortality, cause when you don't you are making it awful hard for the person and thats just tragic.

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

Sunday, May 14, 2006

My baby is 19

Wow that kinda blows my mind cause I have never once felt tired of being a mother to this child.
I was going to post this in the morning but the reality is this is the first birthday of hers we have every been apart and I have been feeling much self pity today. Shame on me so Miss AJC let me tell you some beautiful things about you on your birthday before it ends.

It is perfect that your birthday lands on Mothers day because you are the delight of me and dad and would be to any parent. You seek God approval as well as ours and while that presents a struggle as an adult you never had to deal with as a child the fact that you try to stay the course is a gift you give since so many of your peers really could care less. For 19 years you have been the reason I want to be a better women and mother not because you asked but because you demand it with the high bar you set for yourself. Most people have no idea who you are although they think they do, you are often coined quiet, secretive, loner and like me a bit eccentric. But they don't see you talking to people that others have given up on, the open ridicule you are willing to take because you won't back down on what you think is right and the compassion you show for a certain nameless person who always lies but you forgive her anyway.
You accepted another older "sister" who had to work off all the lies she had been taught growing up sharing dad and I time with the whole world it seemed never complaining which is a gift because you daughter know how temporary this life it.

I want this year for you to be a year of letting yourself lighten up on yourself and have fun. Have a whole year of fun. Just find ways my lovely daughter to have fun and never ever one moment forget that you are a young women of our Heavenly Father, a Father you have honored and respected regardless of price on this earth. You are His gift to this world just who you are, you never enter a room unnoticed and you are never anything but humble.

Thank you AJC for allowing me to be your mom. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, dreams and your heart with me. Thank you for teaching me a thing or two. Thank you for honoring me and dad. Thank you for loving God because of that I will never worry we will have forever together.

All my love to you baby

Sunday, May 07, 2006

40 is on its way.

On Mothers day and very fitting I might add is Zeke and I's baby's 19th birthday. It is fitting because she is about the best and most challenging human being that ever walked on the earth. I would not trade a moment with her for even my last breath. More on that in an upcoming post.

Anyway 40 is marching my way in just a little over a month and I really don't know what to do with myself. In fact I was never suppose to make it to 40 so I did not make any plans, which means I am a little backwards. I think what is suppose to happen is your born and the world is a wonderment, as you grow you make your plans and stuff and as life goes you got a plan. Well I flipped it I think. I was so sick when I was little my world was hospital beds and a dying or dead peer group. So the world held little wonder for me it was simple some live some don't. It was not until I should have been preparing for my plans that I was caught off guard at being alive that I started the wonderment. Trust me it is not a good thing to have the power of being a young adult and a child like view of the world your like Peter pan!

Anyway life of course got in its knocks and here I am but I am finding the abyss between me and my peers getting bigger. I still get blown away at things others might call silly and maybe they are, once in while I get accused of being eccentric and me and the much younger women of my tribe consider Zeke to be an old man whom we adore.

So I am wondering what is wrong with me? 40 is looming and my only immediate desire is to go to a dive club and see some rockin band with Zeke and wonder all night how they are not signed, check into a hotel and the rest is none of your business. I also wonder when I get enough energy of course after I am done being sick from a DNA illness that brought others as of course I am getting older what career I want to start! All of this while taking care of a dying wonderful women. When do I get that wake up call that it will all end?, even though I know it so and I try to make sure I tell people how much they mean to me.

At some point when shoe shopping am I going to say "man I love those there so comfortable"? So it will descend and I will really want fruit cake? Will I actually at 40 start finishing all the projects I start cause the reality is in my immature mind somewhere I think If I finish everything Ill drop dead no real reason why I just do.

I am being honest I am starting to wonder if I have lost my mind and everyone is to kind to tell me. Before I came to take care of mom I got a lecture from my very kind Doc that went something like "your doing what! You can't do that, if you do that your gonna get so sick, you just can't do that!" He stopped short of forbidding me but came so close. My Diabetic educator asked me at my last appointment if "I was ready to take my illness serious" um ok.... I thought I test more then any diabetic I know! I want to learn to play the drums, and bass and guitar so I can do amazing things on them, I want to be a mechanic cause I kind of like it, I want to be president but only for a moment and I want to have a coffee shop with blended ice cream drink that do not included coffee with books to the ceiling and rockin bands in Jena LA.
I'm running out of time and I think as if time has no end. So am I running the risk if missing something so important?

I really want to know.

Be loved its the only thing you have that you also get on the other-side