Its who we are, what we do and how we live. That is what Evol is

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Just let them be

There are some very kind things one can do to help a person who has received a death sentence like in mom's case. One of the single best things you can do is change your expectations of that person from what you expect to none. We have them all of us do. I expect Zeke to always be courteous, kind and loving as well as he does me, but when something so life changing as a DXD (diagnosis) of 6 months enters the picture all bets are off as well as they should be.

Don't treat the person like there already dead and don't treat the person like you always have. Its hard but so needed. I watch my mom every day try to do things because she feels bad she can not like getting up out of bed when her legs just are to tired to move. She does this cause she thinks she has to, because that is what has been told to her. Not by anyone who is trying to be mean but by people who are scared of the reality of her illness. When mom wants to walk, feels like walking she does much better then when she thinks she has to. Giving someone a gift like mom of just getting to be whatever in there last weeks of life is priceless. She gets to be sad and not treated as if she is depressed. she gets to lay around and do nothing but I promise you since she got the news she is never laying around doing nothing. She gets to ask for stuff she might or might not be able to do for herself without being treated as if she is being selfish. Most important she gets to be treated like her mind is still intact even if she does not always have the words to answer a question or forgets why she called you in the first place.

Everyone around mom loves her but not everyone around mom is willing to let her be. God can heal her and God can take her home why must it be so hard for some to live in that place, in-between waiting for health or waiting for death? Why is in-between so hard for some to accept? Does waiting mean your not living? Why is silence so hated?

I don't need to psychoanalyze mom to know how she feels. I am sure she feels allot more then ever before and to both extremes. I don't need to give her a pill if she is scared would not anyone of us be? I don't need to push her to move if she does not want to does she not have the same freedom we all do? I don't need to make her stay in bed again why would anyone tell anyone else to do that? Mom is dying and I find it cruel anyone expects anything of her to make that anyone feel better about it. But even so I know it comes from a place of fear and loss, they are mourning for what they used to have and that's ok its just not ok to spill it all over mom.

Mom has made peace with herself and God whatever happens! What an absolute free and rocking place to be! I watched it happen in my mother who died of ALS and now I get the privilege of watching that same freedom be accepted in Zeke's mom it's an honor. The only time that is tainted is when I have to deal with people who can not get outside themselves enough to just care about her.

So if someone you know is likely to leave this world and they know it, change your perception of them and your expectations. Give them that, allow then to have real freedom to move as they want without consequence of your personal expectations of how it should be. I am not saying don't offer thoughts if something seems really out of whack I am saying let them be understanding that you have no idea really what you would do upon hearing the news.

Just let God do His thing and get out of His way. If you are a child of God then you are where you are suppose to be for His purpose not yours. Just accept it and don't be afraid to exists in-between waiting for a miracle and accepting your own mortality, cause when you don't you are making it awful hard for the person and thats just tragic.

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone


At 1:28 PM, Blogger dorsey said...

I have a friend who tells the story of his visit to a dying uncle. He didn't know what to say, so he commented about the weather. He laughs now about the look he got from his uncle and how ridiculous he felt bringing up something so temporal and irrelevant in what would likely be his final conversation with a man who was contemplating mortality. It's tough to step out of ourselves, isn't it?

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

Dorsey I have to say I wish sometimes I could step into myself more. I don't really know if I could explain that well..maybe Zeke can but I have less of a problem with it but no worry I have plenty of other problems :P

I asked the hard stuff and say the hard stuff. I talk to mom about all the yucky stuff in-between. I just know how much easier this end would be for her and me if everyone stopped for a second and asked "what is really important here?"

If mom or anyone in her shoes gets better it will only be because of God's divine touch since there is no cure for this not man made anyway.

But Dorsey you got me thinking..if you blog then are you really ever outside yourself? Hmm is blogging the reality of I'ism...great now I have to contemplate that.

At 10:09 PM, Blogger Zeke said...

A wife of noble character, who can find?

I sure did.

At 4:08 AM, Blogger dorsey said...

It doesn't have to be (at least, I don't think so), but too often the blog is just one huge monument to self. The PhillyPride thing is (I hope) a tiny step away from that, trying to turn the focus outward. Still, I'm astonished at the level of navel-gazing that has accompanied it. I even got drawn into it myself. Thanks to Zeke for cutting the crap and restating the bottom line.

Most people would not show your degree of selflessness by disrupting your whole life to care for Zeke's mom. Most would draw a line and then justify it by talking about the much better level of care a nursing home or hospice could provide, etc. Only you know yourself, but "I'ism" isn't what comes to mind when I think of you guys. [/grainofsalt]

You're loved. Yes indeed.

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Jada's Gigi said...

Lord, what a hard time. You are so right aobut just letting a person be...I think that is probalby good advice for everyone...we could use a lot more grace and acceptance in this world. God is God and He has his own thoughts and plans in the situation...all we can do is sit back and try to leave them and it alone. You are a wise woman...I'll be praying for your Mom and your family.

At 9:09 AM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

Dorsey didn't I say Zeke was great sometime ago :) A Nursing home or Hospice would be fine if she wanted that. My mom had to go into nursing a few weeks before she died because of the nature of ALS we would have killed her trying to take care of her and that was hard cause she wanted to come home. I won't let that happen to Zeke's mom unless we have no choice for her benefit.

Frankly this post is an "I" thing its my bitching out of frustration for what I can't change and in a way makes me just like the rest cause its how I see things but oh well.

I just adore you Dorsey

Jada's gigi I don't know how wise I am unless its the wisdom of a fool :) But I just am tired of not loving the way I honestly think love was intended. Again its what I think and I still have way more to learn about love then I know, but the little I know tells me imposing for personal comfort is not it. Its hard to really love, comfort is easy, expectations are like glass shards falling to the floor everyone is barefoot and trying not to get cut by there own expectations. I just say cut me and lets get on with it already.

Your a gift Jada's gigi

Zeke if I am acting in honor I don't know it cause I am kinda lost but if it honors you and mom then so be it.

I don't ever want to know what life is like without you babe

Your all loved and I know I say it all the time, its not a auto saying I mean it.

At 6:01 AM, Blogger Kc said...

People have a hard time transferring their hope from temporal to eternal. I think that's where the expectations get resolved. God has blessed you with wisdom and a special ability to cope in this and I pray He will continue to stregthen and comfort all of you.

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Mrs Zeke said...

KC what a surprise I thought you were on blog vacation! I don't know if it is a ability I was such a..not nice and happy doing evil person BC that after Christ the difference between is so massive you can not help but learn the lessons.

Plus I don't even know if what I think is right is right, I guess having at one time in my life been pretty bad I know for sure what love is not.

Good to see you KC, be loved cause you are

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