40 is on its way.

On Mothers day and very fitting I might add is Zeke and I's baby's 19th birthday. It is fitting because she is about the best and most challenging human being that ever walked on the earth. I would not trade a moment with her for even my last breath. More on that in an upcoming post.

Anyway 40 is marching my way in just a little over a month and I really don't know what to do with myself. In fact I was never suppose to make it to 40 so I did not make any plans, which means I am a little backwards. I think what is suppose to happen is your born and the world is a wonderment, as you grow you make your plans and stuff and as life goes you got a plan. Well I flipped it I think. I was so sick when I was little my world was hospital beds and a dying or dead peer group. So the world held little wonder for me it was simple some live some don't. It was not until I should have been preparing for my plans that I was caught off guard at being alive that I started the wonderment. Trust me it is not a good thing to have the power of being a young adult and a child like view of the world your like Peter pan!

Anyway life of course got in its knocks and here I am but I am finding the abyss between me and my peers getting bigger. I still get blown away at things others might call silly and maybe they are, once in while I get accused of being eccentric and me and the much younger women of my tribe consider Zeke to be an old man whom we adore.

So I am wondering what is wrong with me? 40 is looming and my only immediate desire is to go to a dive club and see some rockin band with Zeke and wonder all night how they are not signed, check into a hotel and the rest is none of your business. I also wonder when I get enough energy of course after I am done being sick from a DNA illness that brought others as of course I am getting older what career I want to start! All of this while taking care of a dying wonderful women. When do I get that wake up call that it will all end?, even though I know it so and I try to make sure I tell people how much they mean to me.

At some point when shoe shopping am I going to say "man I love those there so comfortable"? So it will descend and I will really want fruit cake? Will I actually at 40 start finishing all the projects I start cause the reality is in my immature mind somewhere I think If I finish everything Ill drop dead no real reason why I just do.

I am being honest I am starting to wonder if I have lost my mind and everyone is to kind to tell me. Before I came to take care of mom I got a lecture from my very kind Doc that went something like "your doing what! You can't do that, if you do that your gonna get so sick, you just can't do that!" He stopped short of forbidding me but came so close. My Diabetic educator asked me at my last appointment if "I was ready to take my illness serious" um ok.... I thought I test more then any diabetic I know! I want to learn to play the drums, and bass and guitar so I can do amazing things on them, I want to be a mechanic cause I kind of like it, I want to be president but only for a moment and I want to have a coffee shop with blended ice cream drink that do not included coffee with books to the ceiling and rockin bands in Jena LA.

I'm running out of time and I think as if time has no end. So am I running the risk if missing something so important?

I really want to know.


Be loved its the only thing you have that you also get on the other-side