Lets talk about evil

I have been here http://lovingrelationships.blogstream.com/ and here http://crushedleviathan.blogspot.com/ both have brought me to this post.

I wonder if any of you have seen the "curtain" pulled back if you will. I have and its not pretty, in fact its terrifying and the only thing you can do is call on the Lord. It is the only thing that enters your head as you realize how great the battles are that take place.

I can't help what things I have seen I did not choose it, I can see in hindsight why I saw but it is not the cartoon evil we often see portrayed. What makes it worse is its beautiful in its disguise and by the time you know different or shall I say by the time you smell the death of it its to late.

I used to think I was so evil that I was able to "see" evil because I was so close to it's core. However in 20/20 hindsight I realize what I have seen had little to do with my evilness but more about a few things.

1. A specific effort by evil to keep me from anything good. Not because I am all that great trust me anyone who knows me knows that self elevation is the least of my problems. The reality is evil has an vested interest in you if you are trying to be a person like Christ or at least trying to stay on the narrow path. You see if evil can target you and help you go stray then it has one less person to deal with.

2. Keep me self persecutory. This is a biggy because as long as I saw myself as evil then I was frozen at the baby step of accepting Christ and that's about it. I am still am that way I am sorry to say its my single biggest battle of my Christian life. To explain how much I will tell you this story. I did not get water baptized for over 20 years of my Christian faith not because I had trouble with baptism or anything like that in fact I longed to obey God in what I saw as a request. But I honesty without a doubt believed it would be such a ridiculous action by someone like me, so offended the Heavens would be that as soon as I was baptized the church would fall to the ground and everyone would drop dead and I would be left with the shame of my action of even attempting to be part of the baptized family. which leads to more...

3. Narcissism. When you think you are evil, when you think you are somehow different then any other that Christ died for because of some thought that you should had known better it is about you. Evil works very hard to keep everything about you. It does not matter how it is dressed up thinking of oneself as great or not, beautiful or ugly...whatever it is about you and for me about me not God.


There are other smaller reasons but I listed those because those are the primary battles of ones mind and that is where evil lives. If you lose money in the stock market the devil did not do it to you , you played with money in the world of men you lost that's it. What some people call evil just shows there lack of understanding. In a wacky way I am blessed for the hard, awful road I have walked on because I not only have seen what I have seen and lived the way I lived I can really love now as completely as a human being can. Not because I am great but because something in me through most of my solitary Christian life held hope in Christ. While I still fight my own demons I don't listen to them as much and I make a conscience effort to check myself and say "is this about me or God"

Why the post?

Sometimes with all our talk, me included find it so easy to find fault
Sometimes one more episode courtesy of my mom of Montel and Sylvia brown make me want to scream and the people looking or something, when any who has seen what I have knows anything like being able to "see" anything is not ones choice nor can be called upon its either about God or it is not.
Sometimes its good to admit you or in this case I suck and I am not very good at the whole chasing after God thing cause I just get lost on the road with all my junk.
Sometimes it frankly sucks be here knowing there is a there
Sometimes I get tired of seeing things I can not share, sensing evil not knowing where its gonna hit, knowing God want me to do more and I just refuse.

Maybe saying here will mean I can just accept it as is and get over it already

Maybe its just that I really want to love everyone cause its the only good thing I know and I am frustrated I can not becuase our lives as humans get in the way

Yep that's it

He died because of who He is...zero to do with any of us and who we are
Your loved by God and I'll keep trying to