Ponder 101

So I was walking down Broadway...oops wait that's a different story not for mass consumption :)

What I really meant to write is why do we wait until a funeral of someone before we tell how great they are?

How real can we be with God if we can't even be real with each other?

These are things I ponder.

To love cost a great deal nobody ever tells you that because rarely are people honest about what love is. Its uncomfortable on the easy side and downright lonely on the hardest of sides. I have told Zeke the hardest part of loving is when someone because they don't want to go that deep just rejects it and you are left with knowing what the person needs and having nowhere to put it. I wonder if God feels that way about us.

Love is a train wreck, no love is a speeding train with one of those huge bright lights on the front coming at you. No love is the lights in a surgery room that leave nothing undiscovered. It wrecks your life and then when you learn what you are able about it, it wrecks whoever your trying to love, because real love is pure and honest and cares very little of self. Its what you read on persecution.com when you read the stories of people imprisoned and tortured because of there belief in Jesus Christ. Those wonderful people who are willing to give up all they love for the sake of standing in the Glory of God's love. God could save them of course and some He does but others He does not and they lose there life only to gain there Souls.

We often wait until funerals to tell the people who knew the dead how great they are, I ponder this because I no longer understand it.

We often bitch to others about someone else because we don't want to risk confrontation or have enough respect for the person of subject to talk to them. Besides checking yourself in the matter there is no reason to do this either.

Love is intoxicating when it's shared and down right painful to the bone when it is rejected. I have never been so lonely and in emotional pain as when I either refused to love with all my reasons why, or have been rejected because of the exposure love would bring. I ponder many days and nights would I be able to stand like my claimed brothers and sisters in Christ as people bent on doing so much harm to me did so. I pray so, I hope so but the reality is I don't want to be put in that situation because self doubt runs deep.

Maybe one day I won't ponder anymore about this and other things, but if that means I stop trying to love in an honest way I hope I never do.

Love now tomorrow is not promised to anyone

Calling all who care.....

My son in law is now back in Iraq for his third time let me show you part of an email I got from him. I changed some names because this is a public forum

".............Well as you know by now I'm here again. I'm really grateful for all
your support as well as all the support from Zeke and Missy too. I can't
tell you how great of a feeling it is knowing that I'm leaving will all of
you backing me......"

He has been really torn not about what he is doing but about why people are calling him a baby killer and those things because he knows why he is there. I wanted to give him something to hold on too so this is part of what I wrote back

"......My wonderful son-in law you are willing to do the job so few want to do along with your brothers and sisters there with you, let me tell you something you can keep with you...and others if it helps.

It was clear to some that the Nazi's were exterminating people. Germany never attacked us on our soil Japan did. While "we" knew Jews and others were being killed because of politics we let many go to the gas chambers before doing anything. Because doing so would have caused a split in public opinion.

Vietnam never attacked us on out soil and the list can go on and on... My point is if you forget, your there to make sure history does not repeat. The kind of History you are preventing is this.

I know what Ketoacidosis feels like. Its when a diabetic has no insulin let me tell you
First you just feel off, and your stomach hurts but your body tells you something is wrong
Then your muscles all start to hurt as your body breaks down the muscle and fat for fuel
Then your brain starts to tell you , your are going to die and there is nothing you can do
Your breathing increases to a pant your body trying to get the ketones out that have now filled your lungs and you start to shiver and sweat while being in pain all over the whole body.
Then if you don't pass out by now, you start throwing up and convulsing
If your still conscience you feel your kidneys shut down and the ketones now go through your body like nail polish remover to nail polish. The acid courses through your organs painfully until death if no help is there.

Saddam for his benefit would not allow the children with diabetes in the hospitals there insulin and let it rot, the insulin we supplied. All of those kids suffered the above until death and then he would order the docs to parade them in front of camera's declaring "this is what the sanction's have done to Iraq" while the world looked at dead bodies of children........"

I don't really care about the politics of this war. I don't care about talking heads in front of podiums. I care about graves filled with bodies, children being denied medicine and history not being played over. So my point, I am asking all of you who might read this to record a support message, not in support of the war but in support of a person like my son in law who has left his wife, his baby son, the family who loves him to make sure what he has seen with his eyes never lands on the soil his family lives on.
If you can't record it then send me a number Ill call you and record it. It is something I have been doing for years and I put them in my radio show. Again it is not about either side of politics its about letting them know that they are loved and supported. It is hard for my son in law to be called names and for our daughter to be told not to go out alone for safety reasons. Speak as freely as you would like but don't let them feel abandoned and don't make it about the politics.

If you are willing post here and tell me ill make sure you get my email to send the message or ill contact you via phone to record one. It means the world to them.
Thanks ahead of time.

Lord protect them and Lord let any kind words sent comfort them
Peace

Your Blogger Degree

Here is my Blogger Degree!
Now go get yours
Show mercy in everything you do

The University of Blogging Presents to Mrs Zeke An Honorary Bachelor of Cutting Majoring in Quiz Addiction Signed Dr. GoQuiz.com �

Username:

Blogging Degree
From Go-Quiz.com

Mind Loop 101

So here is what is going round and round in my mostly empty head. I am really a big liar. There are few things that get me really mad but false prophets do in an instance. People who cause pain to children and old people tend to do it to. So I was washing the dishes, and thinking shame on us for not loving the (fill in the blank) and then it hit me.

If I was put in a room with false prophets and child predators would I be able to love them?

I honestly do not know the answer to that. I would like to think so because they are after all part of God's creation and it is God's desire none parish. But then I tried to imagine myself giving a hug to Benny Hinn and telling him he is loved and even in my minds eye I could not. What kind of liar does that make me? Is there anyone besides Jesus Christ who could love anyone else? I am not talking about ignoring wrongs and acting all happy for the sake of the elephant in the room. I am talking about loving even the worst among us so that one day if they ever do turn around they have a place to go.

What about you? Could you sit across from a child predator and tell them they have hope in Jesus knowing there crime? Could you give them some food from your table?
I am really shameful to admit I don't know if I could. I would like to say "sure whoever ask for water I will give it to them" but the reality is some things are so awful to me I don't know if I have that much self control. Then I think I could, I could give them water I could at least do that.

Enter the mind loop, that's what I call it.

So now I am thinking I am riding in a car and Missy is with me (Zeke and I's daughter) and also in the car is the worst child predator you could think of. God has told me earlier that day that Missy is going to heaven no ifs ands or but's and the bad guy in the back is not. We get in a wreck and I don't get hurt but I can only save one. God says it is His desire none should parish and Missy is going to heaven, but could I grab the bad guy in case his salvation is down the path of his life and leave Missy with the knowledge that she will go right into the loving arms of our Father? It seems impossible to me and of course I think Ill trade places with Missy and tell her to take the bad guy cause I figure my shot at heaven is better then his. But I can't, so there I am in the middle of an unknown road with an impossible choice. Walk away from the one I carried for 9 months who I love with everything in me and save the one I detest so he has a shot at the Kingdom of God.
I can try to justify leaving Missy, she won't have to suffer anything on this forsaken earth and God has said she will be with Him, but I have nothing other then the might of this other human.

I now wonder if I would give them a drink of water after all
and you?


Love now tomorrow may not come I am at least trying

So whats up with the radio podcast and whatever

I have found a problem. It seems if I want to keep music sounding the way it should when I record my live radio show and convert it into mp3 I can not go below 128k. I could go mp3pro but I am not sure Ipod's and such have mp3pro.

So I am left with breaking up my converted mp3 into bits to download separate. Or not posting it at all. The issue with breaking it up is it kinda has a flow even if that is only known to me but a flow anyway. At 128k the file without breaking it up would be 132mb. At 96K 97.8mb but 96k is not good enough in my opinion. Quality of music sound is something I will never compromise.

Since I know the radio listeners come here to look for updates I am asking this. If the ones of you who did not get to listen to the last broadcast (80'S) because of transfer cap and want the show mp3'ed then how do you want it, split or whole? Please email me or one of the list managers to let me know.

Bloggers if you plan on downloading the music show then tell me you want a few smaller files or a larger file?

Also the troop support messages are going back into the broadcast so if anyone out in blogger land want to record one let me know. They do get sent directly to the ones that need to hear it.

and for the whatever

I am curious how many of you who might read this ever think you might want to write a book someday? I am not asking for outlines, rather since you use the medium of writing is it also an interest to write a book. If so what kind of book would you write?

I can't write a book I have more idea's then organized plans so until I grow up I just play in my head :)its "funer"

You are loved and don't be sheep!

So why is Zeke so great....

So why is Zeke so great....
Cause he puts up with me.
Let me tell you some things about Zeke you all don't know and if you don't care then hit next blog or whatever it is you do when you don't care.

Zeke runs after God. He might get tired, over worked and have all kinds of things he would rather not have happen...happen and still even in low times of doubt never denies God and looks for Him everywhere.

Zeke loves me like Christ loves the church. He never gets mad I am to tired from illness to go to the store with him. He never tires of listening to my never ending mind loops even though he may not understand. He does not get mad when I am mad instead he ask me what is wrong and really wants to know. He tries and is a better man everyday

There is nothing Zeke will not do for his family. His daughters are fiercely protected, his wife is completely adored and his animals think he is the best chill human to hang with

He gives me access to him always, even in meetings he answers my phone call and if I said "I need to talk to you now" he would even if it meant his co workers might get upset. Thankfully I don't really do that.

When my mother was dying Zeke never complained about her being brought into our house. She woke us up many times a night to move her feet because ALS robbed her of that ability. Zeke made my mother feel so loved that at ALS meetings by the time she was done talking about her son-in-law people expected him to walk on water.

But let me tell you a story that will some up Zeke
We had just gotten married and we got married in 30's not 20's. I had lived on my own a long time and was used to doing things for myself my way. In the course of business I had heard about these 3 little girls who had been abandoned in Los Angeles. There mother had died and the father did not know what to do so he left them with the nuns at a catholic church.
So when I heard about them from a colleague I said "We will take them" it never occurred to me to talk to Zeke first. I do this just take people our house is like the good version of Hotel California no one leaves. All I could see was the pain these kids must have been going through and that they needed to stay together. I forgot about the whole married and should talk to your spouse thing...Anyway. I later found out that the state was going to place these babies in Watts and they were Asian and Watts was not Asian friendly so I felt another rush of urgency. I called the nun and before she could get a word out I said "Ill take them don't let them go to the foster home" and she said "who.." anyway so I got it worked out with her she was gonna talk to the social worker. The colleague who told me about them called me later and said "I think its a go your going to get the kids" I was happy
The Sister called again and explained that the next day we should be notified and everything would be set up I said wonderful and hung up the phone.
Then it hit me, it occurred to me I should talk to Zeke. Now understand at that time everything was set we were going to be adding 3 small children who needed allot of help to our house and it JUST occurred to me I should tell my husband. Yes this wife thing takes some practice.So I dialed the number and I was nervous. He had every right to be mad. He had every right to be ballistic mad. He picked up the phone and it went something like this
Me "Hi babe"
Zeke "Hey baby what's up?"
Me"Well I need to tell you something and don't get mad I should have told you sooner"
Zeke "tell me what?" Now I am scared cause I don't really know how to put it and I could tell by his voice he was getting nervous
Me" well you know so and so at work, he knows about"..and I filled him in on the abandoned kids without mention yet that I agreed to take them inZeke
" that's awful but why would I get mad..."
I cut him off and said "I told the nun we would take them and she told the social worker and they are going to be here if everything works out maybe as soon as next week"
There was a long pause on the phone. I didn't say anything and the pause stretched
Finally Zeke said "ok babe we will take them but please don't do something like this again without talking to me first"!!!
Can you believe it and what makes this the coolest thing ever is in one statement he showed compassion and he showed me he understood me. He knew I was not keeping anything from him out of secrecy or anything like that he knew I could not let these babies go to a place they were not wanted and he knew that.

Zeke was willing to give me the freedom of my passion for people to help them despite the fact it would cause more pressure on him and out household.
The children were not placed with us because LA county in all there wisdom would not transfer them to Orange County, but let me tell you the ones who have came into our house.
3 girls besides are daughter 2 are on the path of God and one is struggling
2 boys both are on God's path
2 boys in the neighborhood who look at Zeke and respect him and his household and do not come from a nice places 1 is on God's path and 1 is asking.
2 men in a very sinful lifestyle that for the first time are looking at there lives and God is bugging them about it.
In 5 years 9 people have come into our home because Zeke let it be and all 9 have been exposed to God in large part because of who Zeke is and almost all 9 are on God's path now. None except one came from intact families or happy places to grow up. I do not know another man who when we lost all source of income because of the 9-11 attacks that would continue to shelter, feed and love all of these.That is who Zeke is. He puts up with me and all the strays I can find. How amazing is that!

So when you read Zeke's blog you are reading a blog of someone who has done everything he can to keep on God's way. In 5 years he has lost a child, a grandson a mother in law his mother has had breast cancer. a stroke, and has lung cancer. His wife (me) has almost died and he has come to the realization that his wife could die from the common cold. He has had to watch his youngest be ridiculed by her peer group because she was trying to do things God's way and because of that be silent , quiet and in pain, he has had to watch his middle girl reject God and walk away only to come back and walk away only to come back. He has had to watch his oldest be blackmailed into adoption of a child we would with open arms take in, be verbaly abused by her bio family and almost lose her mind. He has had colleagues lie to him and lost everything because people who hate us attacked us. In all that Zeke has remained.

Zeke shoulders so very much and what I want to tell him is thank you so much. For pushing me to branch out and for being willing yourself (Zeke) to do so. Our grandson will be 1 soon and I already know he belongs to God it is where his heart will be. That is in part because of his dad and mom both whom you mentored. But it is also part because of you, are the man that young men tell me they want to be like. That is an honor dear husband an honor way above almost all others. When Zeke tells you all he loves you, he means it and you are getting a gift with value countless.

Thank you

What will be in my podcast

For now it will be a recording of my live music show. I might have ones where I talk for a while but I tend to get bored with me so maybe not. So my commentary is what you would be stuck with for now.

A bit of history
I started a station on live365 a few years ago cause I got tired of hearing really great music not played on the FM dial. This got bigger then artist sent request to be played, people requesting music, people requesting show idea's on and on. I then started writing music reviews for an online music mag called 1340mag. I don't do that anymore because my life got so busy with personal matters I could not keep up. Same with the station it got bigger then I was ready for and soon I had other stations contacting me to ask to play show sections on there station. I just got overwhelmed.

Then live365 went the route that us old punk rockers hate..and brought the record labels in. That was fine they were giving us free music and such but the promotions changed and stations that played more label stuff got bumped up. That is my opinion only and could be wrong but it is what I saw. Further they started to have server issues that affected the live shows and stream. I paid the fee's but it was not working.

So I went pirate and I have a email list for my old listeners from live365 and they tune in. There are limited slots cause I can only upload to so many in a stream. These are mostly people who used to tune in. They refer some people that they know and we have to do a draw to see who gets to listen live. So I decided since so many have to miss it to podcast it. I will upload to a server that you if you want can download. It will be password protected but you can get the password from me using this addy
realmask316@yahoo.com. I will tell you here what is in a podcast so you don't waste your time.
Sometimes its music, sometimes there are artist interviews ...really it is open
I will find another host home for my station someday but for now it is how it is.

Go commit some act of intense kindness

Mensa a misunderstood bunch?

We people like to be in bunches we do like carrots at the store. Bloggers are bunches, women have bunches, bunches for race, bunches for religion, bunches for sports, bunches for illness, bunches for men...oh wait no that's not right we can't do that men are not allowed bunches without first checking with the women of now just inn case they want to do what the men want to do which they don't they just don't want the men to do it.... anyway...Mensa is a bunch.

There really really smart and God bless each and everyone. But why the bunch, why do we need to be in bunches. Why does someone need a little card saying there in a bunch with other people just like them. Why in the world do you need a card saying that your in a bunch with smart people...is it cause no one would believe it otherwise? Don't get me wrong I am not bitter I really don't care if you want a bunch I just wonder why. And women, I'm a chic so why do I need to be in a group with you so I can talk about things we all already know? I am not dis'ing women's groups I am in one that is for talking open and honest to help with struggles and I will admit that it is easier with other females I don't have to be as careful. But we do not bitch about everyone else it more about fixing problems with us. I have no desire to be in a bunch with women who point at everything else as the problem. Do we need those to keep our eyes off us?

At Mensa meetings are they allowed to talk about problems or would they be seen as not "bright " enough to solve it so they stay silent? Are bloggers really being who they are or is a blog a place like so many others that you create your mask and stay in the lines?

I worry you see Zeke and I have wonderful daughters 2 of who succumbed to what they thought they were suppose to be. Our oldest (adopted) struggled in much pain to be in the "normal" bunch thank God she is just starting to grasp she does not have to be in a bunch.
Our middle (adopted) makes choices on other people's wants I hope the tides changing for her cause I love her but because of the lessons taught by bio parents she may or not ever be free.
Our youngest (the old fashion way) pushed against every "bunch" that is out there and you know what she gets for just trying to be real, she gets to be alone, misunderstood and has to fight for her own self worth because she does not have a bunch telling her she is ok. Is that what a bunch really is? Does Mensa say to its members "we love you because your smart" Does that mean that the ones who aren't smart feel rejected. Let me answer that ..NO

Frankly however there are some who do. So I am starting a new bunch. Its a bunch about just being whoever you are all the time! I mean it. Remember though that in anything real there will be other real bunches poking at you but that's ok cause nothing ever happens from a false place worth anything.
So if you a right wing card member of the malitia Jesus freak like me come on in
if your God hating can't stand Christians and wanna kill them all come on in Vampires welcome
Witches welcome
Pagans welcome
Women welcome
Jews welcome
Gay welcome
Straight welcome
Bi welcome
Musical Welcome
Men welcome
Be who you are..cause frankly I am so tired of myself

Love is a good thing..do it

Dorsey is my first!

HA! I bet you thought something nasty didn't you. Shame shame shame.

Dorsey found me I was gonna hide for a while and just do my thing but I could not resist posting with my new powerful ability to do so cause I have a blog! I would make dorsey one of those cool blue dorsey's so you could go there but I can't cause I don't know how. Its ok don't tell me if you tell me I still won't know how so thanks anyway.

Dorsey just so you know the eyes kind of scare me however, what a great mind you have and I mean that, honest I do. So look it up with this addy http://notmywill.blogspot.com/ yes I can copy and paste, its true be scared.

Now dorsey or someone else who got her by mistake thinking I had something deep and smart to say may be reading this thinking "who else is reading this besides me and I got here by mistake" well my radio listeners from when I used to broadcast on live365. They are part of my secret world in which we now fly under the riaa radar, I know its risky pray for my safety, and internet DJ's unite we can take em! Wow I'm kinda dangerous maybe I need some eyes like dorsey.

On the very serious side and this is very important. I can't spell. I do my best to check and apply spell checkers but things are gonna get missed so I am laying down the law. If you get what I am saying and still feel the need to correct my spelling all except dorsey he is allowed then you have to be
1. an active English teacher or
2. on Prozac and spelling is part of your mental health getting better plan or
3. if you tried to let a word spelled wrong go your head would explode
I can except corrections from you but I want proof! If you are none of the above and your name is not dorsey then realize I really don't need to read your response because the fact that you got hung up on spelling before content means your argument is week.

Phew! I am glad that is out of the way I hate being mean, well I kinda like it but I won't admit it.

I am gonna start podcasting my live shows but you have to know Zeke or me or the list cause there is no way if I get a stop order from the riaa I am stopping. That will bring much pain to Zeke so spare him. I think I am the reason for his gray hair. Remember I'm not getting old just Zeke

Dorsey I have power I can reply...do you feel the dark chill come across blog land. I'll try to use the power for good.

Ok I am done cause I am on that mind loop thing and I could go on and on and on.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so love now!

Blogging all alone

Since yesterday I was thinking of all these creative things to do on the blog and podcast. BUT no more there is no point cause Steve and Josh at Stupid Church People won't read this or listen to what I might podcast.

There may be hope though cause ninjanun is back and since I brought up her name go buy her CD and if you don't then never complain about what is being offered on the FM dial.

Also Zeke at onefortruth has a nice picture section, in case words are hard for you.

So that's it thanks to SCP I no longer have anything of importance to say.



PS I have way to much fun in my own head.

Here I am and now what

So here I am and I am here because of internet blackmail of sorts. I can't comment on some blogs cause I am not a blogger in fact I may not ever have anything to say at all ever.

I have alot to say but don't know if I want to say it.
If I said it would it matter?
If you read what I said would that mean it would be the same as having coffee together somewhere?
If I wrote what is honest would the reader be honest when reading it?

See I have so many questions and not so many answers, so why would I write?

Maybe and that is only a maybe I will write, share, express etc. Then of course I would worry would it be in vain, self elevation love of self?

I guess for now this is what you the reader has. It is not much but it's not a blank page.

You have value don't forget that